The Best Mum vs The Sane Mum

Last week I went home on leave, with no intention to go back.

Today - four days later I am officially discharged. Again, with no intention of going back.

But something had to give. Something had to change. Something had to drastically alter in my life in order to make that happen.

I couldn't keep pretending I could be The Perfect Mum and remain any kind of sane.

To live up to that ideal was, and IS impossible. 

I was determined to be the breastfeeding mum

source:http://nefhealthystart.org/20-actions-in-20-days-promotion-campaign/

When Bubs was born, I expected that I would and should destroy myself in order to breastfeed. Breast was best, at all costs. And it cost me big time. Physically, I was exhausted. Physically, I was damaged. Literally drained by expectation.

After I came to terms with the fact that breastfeeding wasn't going to work, and I wasn't going to be that perfect breastfeeding mum, I found another way to be that best mum.

I became the cloth nappy mummy.

source: http://www.teeheebaby.co.uk/

I was so proud at the end of my first complete cloth nappy day. It was easy. I felt like I was doing the earth a favour. I may not have been able to breast feed, but dammit, I was using cloth nappies, and that was a worthy alternative! And bonus, financially it made up for the cost of the formula we were now buying. So really, I'd caused our new family no financial hardship by my failure. 

But it cost me in other ways.

The washing doubled. I was constantly refilling buckets, and frantically trying to get liners dry on pouring wet days. She needed changing every hour or more, because these nappies weren't as waterproof as the disposables, and with each nappy change, she also needed a new outfit.

But I kept going, because I couldn't fail at breastfeeding, and then be ok with adding another $20 a week to our grocery bill by NOT using cloth nappies. 

So as time went on, I got the routine down. I got up each morning and by 11am, I had put through two loads of washing, hung out last nights cycle. I was exhausted. But it didn't matter. I had to be that mum.

But still I felt like I was letting my family down. Like all that wasn't enough. I was home all day, and Husband shouldn't have to come home to mess.

So I became the clean mum. 

source: http://www.muminthemadhouse.com/2012/11/08/how-to-clean-a-house-a-mum-knows-best/

I made the kitchen sparkle, and the bathroom shine. There was always toilet paper in the toilet, and the dishwasher was always emptied, the vacuuming always done. 

But by now the cracks were showing.

post natal depression: J. C. D'Ath

 I had nothing left for my husband. When he got home I was the snappy wife.  The tearful wife. The wife who wasn't sleeping. The wife who was starting to self harm. The mum who could no longer keep up any kind of facade that she was ok in front of her daughter.

Expectation, both real and imagined, destroyed me in every way.

It wasn't just 'something' that had to give. 

Everything gave way.

A lot of people worked very hard to bring me through the past two months alive. In one piece. To put me back together. And I must be put back together anew. Because the old me wasn't working anymore. 

I write this as my daughter is half way through her first afternoon at daycare. A compromise which I am struggling with, but know I must accept. Because, right now, I can't be the perfect 'stay at home with my baby all day' mum. I have to step back from everything, and start again.

I may not be a breastfeeding mum.

I may not be a cloth nappy mum.

 But now I am not even a 'never put my baby in daycare' mum!

So, what kind of mum am I going to be, when I finally do make it out the other side of this illness? When I am put back together, and intact again, who will I be? 

When I was in high school, they taught us about this model of health. We learnt that all four 'walls' of this model had to be strong, if you were to be truly healthy. 

source:http://sallyhart72.wordpress.com/tag/bi-cultural-partnerships/

I have completely neglected the spiritual wall for years. My emotional wall has been dodgy and bending for a decade or more now. So, is it any surprise that all it took was for Bubs to come along, and for me to abandon my own physical needs, for EVERYTHING to come apart in a way I have never before experienced - and pray I never do again.

I am determined to build all four walls back up to be stronger than they have ever been. That includes eating right, taking time for me, taking time for my family, and (for me) finding god in my everyday. I went to church on Sunday, and something inside me shifted. I felt relieved and like perhaps I may finally be on the right path. 

Because at the end of all this madness, I will finally be a Sane Mum, and then, finally, I can be, the Best Mum.