All The Little Pieces

Enough with the morbid poetry! It's time to get up and go face the monster.

I was terrified to leave that wondrous place of respite, quiet and nothingness. Where I had nothing to do, and no expectation to do it. I was terrified to come home and for everything to be exactly as it was when I left. For me to be exactly as I was when I left.

NUMB.

CONFUSED.

DOWNRIGHT EXHAUSTED.

My little Bean learnt to sit up right before I left. I, of course, was upset that I didn't feeling excited about it. I was too confused to feel anything but angry about the fact that she had chosen to do that then. Right then. Right when I was an unfeeling blob of tears and confusion.

Wrong time, Baby!

But now, I'm home. And finally, tentatively, slowly, a little bit afraid, but very very surely, all the little pieces of me are falling back where they belong.

Last night I held my Bean and made her laugh and sigh and giggle giggle giggle. And I giggled back, because it was just so delightful.

I accidentally woke her from a just-put-down-nap, because I couldn't resist the urge to kiss her on her tiny nose. (cue unhappy husband)

And just like a child clapping for 'I do believe in fairies', all the little pieces which make me me,  slowly but surely, dropping back into place.

Plus LOOK - Kimberley at www.makemommygosomethingsomething.com gave me an award!

So time to pay it forward:

The rules to accept the award:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award. CHECK
2. Answer ten questions the blogger gives you. CHECK
3. Give ten random facts about yourself. CHECK
4. Nominate ten blogs that you think are deserving of the award.
5. Let the bloggers know you nominated them.
6. Give them ten questions to answer.

My nominations are super fabulous bloggers that I love:

1. Emma White - Mentalhealthforparents.com Because she is super active online, and is extremely inspirational.
2. JulieRoo  http://juliesnotebook.co.uk/ - because I want to know more about her and she keeps tweeting my posts which I LOVE!
3. The Nomadic Family  http://thenomadicfamily.com/ Because their blog is really interesting, I REALLY want to know more about them and plus, they keep retweeting my posts too.
4. A.J Fitzwater http://pickledthink.blogspot.co.nz/ Because she is a super talented writer and I hope to be like her one day!
5. Kiran Chug  http://mummysays.net/ because she was my initial inspiration to start blogging, she seems to appear everywhere and I'd love to get to her blogging level one day

I know this is only 5 bloggers - but I am relatively knew to this and have yet to discover more bloggers.

My questions to answer.

1.Are you that guy in your neighborhood who feeds the wildlife?

Does wildlife include neighbourhood kids who are looking for odd jobs to raise money for gymnastics classes? Then Yes.

2. Where do you write? (10 bonus points if you admit that one of those places is the bathroom. Don’t lie. We all do it.)

In Bed, In front of the tv, In the BATH - does that count? Sometimes, I swear I am writing when I am asleep....

3. My New Year’s Resolution was “More thongs, less yoga pants”. What was yours and are you sticking to it?

Mine was to publish a book AND write a novel. I've so far published a book (yay) see top of blog. But the novel.....working on it.

4. Lucky Charms for breakfast or are you one of those “I like my heart” kind of people?

Pretty sure I've never seen Lucky Charms in NZ - soooooo, I guess I'm an "I like my heart" kind of person.

5. What are your thoughts on global warming? Kidding. Do you like pizza? Some people don’t like pizza and those people cannot be trusted.

mmmmmmmmm, Pizzzaaaaaaa. But not with anchovies!

6. What is your favourite colour and have you used that colour (or a variation of it) to paint your walls?

Green. But Vibrant Lime green. Not that gross army green, or murky green, or even perky green. I would definitely paint my walls this colour if I actually owned my house

7. What do you look forward to in the spring?

Daffodils. Lambs. Baby birds. Those happy happy spring feelings.

8. Is there a piece of jewelry that you wear every day? Is there any significance to it?

The only piece of jewellery I wear everyday, is my wedding ring. Everything else is fair game for the Bean if I am wearing it. Sad face

9. Cold pillow or warm pillow and are you a pillow flipper in the middle of the night?

COLD COLD COLD! I will definitely flip if necessary.

10.Favourite picture of you and why?

Because it's me and my siblets all in one place having a great ol' time!

Ten Random Facts About Myself.

1. I always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door.
2. I sing - all the time - not kidding. Mostly disney or Les miserables.
3. I love Les miserables, and will enter into major arguments if someone disses it.
4. I have only seen Les Mis live once :(
5. I read the entire three volumes Lord of the Rings to impress a boy. He didn't even notice.
6. I clearly didn't learn my lesson because I took physics in high school for a the same reason. (different guy)
7. This backfired terribly as I failed to understand any of the basic concepts and just felt stupid.
8. I wanted to be the first woman to walk on the moon.
9. I go into media lockdown if I can't watch the academy awards live.
10. I have recovered from serious Social Anxiety Disorder, thought I was free of anxiety disorders full stop, then was diagnosed as bipolar II 2 weeks ago. YAY ME.

Ten Questions For My Nominated Bloggers.

1. What do you like best about where you live?
2. Why did you start blogging?
3. If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be and why?
4. What are you doing while you answer these questions?
5. If you could travel to any other country which one would you go to and why?
6. What are you most afraid of?
7. Are you a cat or a dog person?
8. Are you a winter or summer person and why?
9. What is your favourite item of clothing and why?
10. What is your least favourite colour and why?

Respite

She is what I cling to.

Bringing down the Curtain

It finally happened.

A meltdown on par with the 'the great crash of 2007'.

With my own godsent mum here, I was able to hold it together for a week. I was able to sleep in the afternoons, and when I couldn't face another round of 'try to feed the baby' or 'baby seems tired, lets try to put her to bed", my mum was able to take over and happily at that.

I made it through for four whole days, and then, after I waved goodbye at the airport. Things fell apart at a great rate of knots.
By the time I got home, tears were prevalent. I had managed to stop myself from deliberately crashing the car in to the median barrier. I had managed to safely carry my daughter inside and gently put her on the mat rather than dashing her onto the ground in the driveway. I considered these a success.

Over the course of the next two hours I spiralled up and down so fast that I didn't know what had hit me. I decided to stay home and relax and stay calm, but Bean wasn't cooperating with that plan and so I put us in the car again and drove across town to our mothers matter support group. By the time I got there, tears were only one 'are you ok' away. There were a number of Phone-calls from a number of phones, to a number of different numbers in the C ward at Princess Margaret Hospital and half an hour later I was sitting in my counsellors office.

I was unsure how I'd managed to drive myself here and was trying to recall the last time I'd eaten. Bean was playing with some brightly coloured giant keys on the floor, and I was trying very hard to concentrate as Tracy (my counsellor/registrar) asked me what I needed right now. What did we need to make happen?

I looked up at her, dazed, a headache playing behind my eyes. "Sleep." Wasn't it obvious?
"If we can get you to sleep, will that be enough?"
I shook my head thinking over and over 'give me somewhere different to sleep, please put me in a hospital, I need time away from baby'. But I couldn't say it. The thought made me sick.

What kind of mother am I, who needs time away from her own child. What kind of mother begs to be put into a hospital so that they can sleep uninterrupted?

Suddenly there were two therapists in the room, they were talking about respite options, one involving in house help, the other involving inpatient stays with your baby, and respite houses without. The respite house sounded like heaven. But still, when they asked me which one did I think I needed, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I, Mum, needed time away from my child. 

Finally, the therapists decided for me. I would go to respite for the night. Husband would have to come home early and take tomorrow off to look after the Bean. I was so relieved at the idea, and sickened by my own reaction at the same time.

Unfortunately, as luck would have it, there were no free beds in any respite houses or inpatient wards anywhere in christchurch. I would have to stay at home, or preferably, at a friends house. But I couldn't think of a single friend to ask. I have friends. But not a lot of friends with kids. Or friends with spare rooms. Or friends I wanted to ask.

So I went home. I don't remember anything about that drive except that I was driving rather slowly, because I was scared of doing something stupid. When I got home to my Husband, I instantly burst into tears again and couldn't stop apologising for being such a pain to everyone. Other mums hold it together, so why am I not coping??

That night, Husband slept in Baby Beans room. I slept in our room with the door closed, ear plugs in, and a message to not get up for 24 hours or more. I took 1 tiny blue zopiclone pill, but one hour later I was still awake, so, as prescribed, I took a second. I was still awake 40 minutes later and too scared to take another one so I found a sleep hypnosis app, and after listening to it twice (yes twice), I finally fell asleep.

I slept till 4am, and had to repeat the whole process again in order to get back to sleep.

Today, I am drifting in and out of a sleep state. I do feel better, but I know also that if I were to get up and pretend everything was fine right now, I don't know if I would actually survive the next few days.

I'm sure things will get better soon. I'm sure that I will figure out what's really going on and be able to finally manage it properly. I want to show my baby how much I love her, but clearly, that is not an option right now, as what I need is just to sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.