Fighting the Morose Ghost

It's been a week now since I had to accept yet again, that MG was back with a vengeance. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there. I went through a crazy super productive couple of weeks, decided to put on another show, started a new book, updated a website, started a new website, relaunched my business, spent a lot of money, got a lot of refunds equally as fast, told mothers and babies that I wanted to be discharged, that I was fine and coping great, was so amped up that I stopped sleeping and then BAM, MG hit me with a sledge hammer and said 'hell no! This stops here, EVERYTHING stops here.'

I can't believe I didn't see it coming. But there you have it, I didn't see it coming. I may have had an inkling that all this productivity wasn't going to end well, but still, as usual I tricked myself into believing that this time was different, that this time I really did have it under control, that I had all the plans in place to deal with any relapses and in fact to prevent those relapses from occurring altogether. 

I was wrong.

I guess it's time to accept that old Morosey will probably be with me permanently, always trying to win his battle and convince me to be his besty. That we should just hang out all the time, and give up trying so hard to avoid each other. Well, at least, I try to avoid him, I think he has a crush on me.

I came up with a plan (again). I have created this awesome chart in an effort to keep playing hard-to-get. The idea behind it is that when MG gets too close, I start to pike on people, I avoid going out, and lose the motivation to do anything other than sit at home wishing that Bean would just go to sleep so I could sit and be sad in peace. The lack of external motivation present when you are a SAHM (stay at home mum) is killer. It is far too easy to just give up.

So, I have split every week day into mornings and afternoons. There are some things that happen regularly (and free) around town for mums and babies, so I've listed them on there, but everything else is free space. Times of nothing. Times where you have to be motivated enough to actually plan something then put it into action. Because believe me, there is NO JUST POPPING OUT with a baby. 

I went on the interweb and looked at all the free and under $10 things you can do in chch with a baby. Then I divided them into four categories.  Picnic, Nature/Animals, Learning, Water

So, with any luck, all I have to do on one of those long empty days is decide which of those four things I most feel like doing and then pull out a random card.

 I stuck velcro on the back of them because I was just that motivated that afternoon.

And stick the activity on the chart. 

VOILA! Activities planned. Now we have something to do. 

At least that's the plan. Little Bean has yet to establish a solid day time nap routine, so more often than not, things go a little awry. But at least I feel like I have an external motivator now, and that is really something!

A selfish and Ungrateful Day

Today began as one of those days, where I desperately, desperately did not want to get out of bed. I was even secretly hoping that today might be given to me as a day where Baby Bean slept for its entirety without anything being wrong. Today, I wanted, nay needed

A DAY OFF.

Today I wished (not for the first time) that I was my Husband. That I could get up in the morning, say goodbye to sleepy bean and exit the door in clothes guaranteed to remain clean until I returned home nine hours later. That I could safely predict by my watch, what time I would eat morning tea and lunch. That I could sit down and complete my reports and paperwork in uninterrupted half hour stretches and then, after a stressful day working in adult-land, I could drive home, looking forward to seeing my baby in whatever state she was in.

Unfortunately, today, like every other day, my wish remained ungranted.

Instead, I was forced out of bed to calm a crying baby. Changed her, fed her, changed her again after getting pumpkin all through her hair. Realised I needed to get dressed but delayed that out of a necessity to clean the filthy kitchen. At some point I managed to eat breakfast while Bean lay frustrated at her inability to roll back the other way. Today I was too tired to play but not too tired to feel bad about it.

I knew that I should leave the house. I knew that a walk would do us both good. But the mere thought of getting everything required to leave for said walk was simply an insurmountable task.

Today there were tears, and 'please don't take too long to get home' phone calls. There was the 'I don't understand why' and 'you don't understand what' conversation and at some point, a block of chocolate vanished and a bottle of cider was emptied in record time.

Today was a Keep-It-Together day. And somehow I made it through - just.

Now I am locked in my room. With a guarantee of not being interrupted for anything baby related until this time tomorrow morning. Bliss. This is the upside of bottle feeding.

But today, I still want my old life back.

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No Time.

I was going to write about why I absolutely can not leave Little Bean to 'cry it out' to sleep.

But then I realised it was none of your business what I decide to do and why should I have to justify myself to anyone. So, I decided not to.

Instead, I'm going to write about feminist culture, evolution of western society and how our preoccupation with equal rights for women has backfired on the stay at home mum.

So yeah.

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Actually, I might do that tomorrow.

Come back then.