Things People Say Before They Have Children

I'll be the first to admit, I did, in fact, say each and every one of these cringe worthy statements.

I wish I could go back in time and slap my arrogant pre-baby self in the face.

Common Pre-Baby Misconceptions

Oh the joy of a perfect, beautiful, happy family.
source:http://allhod.com/?attachment_id=1596

1. "I just don't get it, how do people with kids seem to have no time? Don't babies sleep for 16 hours a day?"


2. "There's just no reason not to be a yummy-mummy. I mean seriously, I've got people lined up to babysit, all it takes is an hour to see a hairdresser."


3. "I'm pretty sure I can do the baby bit, it's the labour I'm worried about. I mean, babies only need three things don't they? They're either tired, hungry or need a new nappy. So how hard can it be to figure out which one it is? I'll be fine."


4. "Well, this bouncinet bounces automatically and has a white noise player. So if baby isn't sleeping, I'll just put it in there and then it will be rocked to sleep no problem."


5. "Gosh baby clothes are cute. I just want to buy them ALL!"


6. "Look, plunket gave us a book which tells us how to do everything. I'm sure whatever goes wrong, the answer will be there."


7. "Oh, I'm not worried. I'm too excited to have a wee cute bubba running around the house."

Post Baby Realisations

Ummm, soooo, yeah. Meet my family. Wait, why is my daughters face missing from the picture? 

1. "I thought babies were supposed to sleep for 16 hours a day? I haven't slept for more than 3 hours at a time in the past two months."


2. "I'm sorry, do I look like I want to go to a hairdresser and stare in the mirror at their disgustingly beautiful make up and styled hair and frequently showered bodies. I'm just amazed I got dressed today!"


3. "Seriously, what else could it be? Because I'VE TRIED ALL OF THOSE THREE TIMES AND YOU ARE STILL SCREAMING AT ME!"


4. "What do you mean, baby doesn't like the bouncinet? It cost me $300! MAKE HER LIKE IT!"


5. "We have way too many baby clothes, and baby has already grown out of most of them and SHIT! We never managed to get a photo of her in Aunt Mertyls hand crocheted dress! Better squeeze her into now while we still have a chance."


6. "Where is that plunket book?! What is the number for plunketline again? WHY ISNT IT IN YOUR PHONE YET?! "


7. "Is it wrong that I want to console people who tell me they're pregnant, instead of offering my congratulations? Is it? Why is she still awake? Why won't she eat her food? Why is she spitting at me?"

Top 5 things I learnt last year

Well, it's the start of a new year, and that calls for a quick post.

Little Bean, it's been a hell of a journey. I say that quite literally, not gonna lie, but it's starting to become more fun now and I can even see (I can't believe I'm saying this), why people have more than one kid.

You said WHAT now?!

I learnt a heck of a lot last year, and find myself quite changed upon reflection. So I figured it would be prudent to record the five top changes and/or things I learnt during the course of last year - 2013.

• Before I had a baby, I was very afraid of vomit. Even the word would make me gag. The sight of babies drooling, spitting up, runny noses, or simply even the sound of someone gagging would be enough to set me off on a gag fest of my own. Now, I am regularly spat up on, vomited on multiple times a day, pooped on weekly (if I'm lucky) and frequently witness to epic projectiles, yet miraculously, I don't feel the slightest gag kick in anymore. WIN.

• Somehow, and I have no idea how this happens, you can actually get used to sleeping for just 2-3 hours at a time. Not just get used to it, but actually function on it. 

• You can have morning sickness and never actually be sick. You just feel like you are about to ALL the time. NB - if you are feeling like you are about to vomit, make sure you don't head for an alarmed exit. This is very embarrassing.

• Labour isn't the bit you should be scared about. Who knew. Although I'm not saying it wasn't scary. It's just that I didn't have time to think about how scary it was, and then it was all over. Also, episiotomy's are HUGE cuts, not little snips like I imagined. I see you squirming!

• Being open is incredibly important. Not only can it mean that you get the help you actually need, but in doing so you open up other people to share their experiences, and can bring people together. This has happened within my immediate and extended family through this blog. It's a shame it took so long and that people don't talk openly more, but without it, and the support that came with it, I don't know that I would have been as successful at getting through this year.

 2013 was the year of massive changes and overwhelming challenges. I challenged myself to face my anxiety head on, to perform live, to write songs, to become a better teacher, to become a mum. I started writing about all these things and my journey towards becoming a better me as a way to show others that they too can do it because I know I'm not the only 'anxious' person out there who wants more in their life.  I also didn't want my daughter to have a mum who limited herself. As a result of me documenting my journey, I have become more confident in myself, I have met new people and been privileged enough to have friends and strangers share their very personal stories with me. I faced two of my biggest fears last year and came through with greater understanding of who I am and who I can be and just how much I am truly capable of achieving. 

This year, is dedicated to my daughter. My goal is to keep writing, to get better at it, and to finish some of the novels I have started during my life and perhaps even get published somewhere. I am doing this for her, to show her that I can finish things, that I can see them through, and that it doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you are happy and content in yourself.

Happy 2014 everyone. 

Learning

Recently a blog has been circulating my Facebook circle, regarding what are good presents for childless people to buy for their friends kids, and what are not. As I read it, I found myself nodding my head at every single item...both because I had received these items and understood why not to give them, and also (strangely) because only months ago, I myself had gifted these exact items to friends with all the best of intentions.

CRAZY!

As we are now in the final two weeks of the year 2013, I find myself reflecting back on what an intense year it has been for our little family, and at the same time, suddenly realising just how much I have changed and learnt during the course of it.

So, in typical me fashion, I figured I'd blog about it!

The 2013 List of Things I Learnt About...

...BABY CLOTHES
The cuter the outfit, the less likely it is to be worn.

This goes for both baby and mum. Cute cotton baby dresses with frilly bits and gorgeous buttons that go UP THE BACK??? May look to-die-for on the rack, and believe me, you would rather die than attempt to put that on a baby and then have them wear it for a day. They end up under their armpits for the most part, nappies on display all day, buttons up the back are a nightmare to do on a baby that can't even sit up yet, let alone undoing them for the numerous changes you WILL have to endure because of spit up, leaking nappies, or just general wetness. Give me a onesie that has domes ONLY on the crotch, and is made of jersey fabric any day over a dress. Shove some cute pants over it, put on some socks and tuck those pants into the socks and you're set!

...PREGNANCY

It Sucks.

Even now, I am often confronted by Mums' who say things like 'don't you wish you could be pregnant again, just so you can have a break?'

Honestly? No. No, I do not. Pregnancy was painful, gross, tiring and just awful in every way. There was literally nothing I enjoyed about being pregnant. But there is plenty I like about being a Mum.

...CHILDBIRTH

Was a breeze compared to what came after.

You recall how I spent all that time freaking out about labour during the year? Well, mummies, I have learnt my lesson. Labour was awful, excruciating and terrifying, but at least it was definitely going to end, and with the epidural, I even managed to escape it for a while. The weeks immediately after giving birth are far, far worse. Physically, mentally, and emotionally extreme. In fact, I would do labour all over again if it meant I was spared those first few weeks....well the lack of sleep bits anyway. Which incidentally, is the majority of it.

...THE MUMMY CLUB CONSPIRACY

Those happy mums and gorgeous photos of happy families on facebook - It's only a glimpse of reality.

Sure, that status may say they are 'so in love', and that picture of the smiling baby is 'so adorable'. But that's only half the truth. Yes, they love the baby, but that doesn't mean they always like the baby. You try 'liking' a crying baby at 3am when you have literally done everything you can think of to calm them, and you haven't slept in 20 hours. Most parents only post the good times. Which in turn adds to the general opinion of childless people that babies are always awesome, and being a parent is easy.

...SLEEP

I can survive on much less than I ever thought possible.

I remember the days where I got 8 hours.....IN A ROW!! 

*Cue manic laughter*

I have nothing more to say on that topic.


...MY BABY
Is the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. EVER.
Sure, I don't get much sleep, and I usually am only guessing at what she is wanting. But recently she has started having these awesome baby conversations with me, and smiling these amazing smiles. I think she really likes me! Which makes my heart glow brighter. I never get tired of her smiles, and I am so excited to know what her laugh sounds like, wether she's left or right handed, what her favourite food is, what song does she like the most, what does she sound like when she talks.....The future is a veritable feast of new discoveries and I can't wait.

Coming, Ready Or Not

Last weekend, just 3 hours before my pregnancy app alerted me to the fact that I had made it to 37 weeks, my waters broke.

Little baby A was born 25 hours later at 4.44am after a prolonged labour, the details of which I wont go in to on here. I have written it down though. If you want to read that, let me know and I will send you a link. Rest assured, I have a new found love of epidurals, and managed to avoid a C section by one contraction. It was the single most overwhelming experience of my life so far.

She was taken to NICU just a few hours after being born, which was super hard, nothing really prepares you for the sight of your baby in an incubator all connected to tubes, drips and breathing apparatus. My heart broke, and that was the first meltdown.

She was in there for two days, having antibiotics to help sort her breathing out. Once she was finally out, I was told we could go home tomorrow, this was after night three where I had a complete meltdown at eleven at night, basically begging the midwives to let me go home right then and there. They tried valiantly to convince me that leaving right then was not a good idea. It was too dark, it wouldn't be good for the baby, my husband was at home asleep. But nothing would help me. I was sharing a room, which I hate, the curtained off section I was in had no sunlight or view of any kind, the other lady's baby wouldn't settle, so regardless of how well baby A was sleeping, I was not. The midwives told me that there was no reason we couldn't go home tomorrow. Baby was doing much better, all her bloods looked good, and the talk was that I would be going home tomorrow. With this stuck firmly in my mind, I nodded acquiescence to have them take Baby away for a few hours so I could attempt to sleep (not that she was the one keeping me up).

At five in the morning, I was woken gently by another midwife, "Jess," she asked, "Did Baby have a bump behind her ear earlier? Where the forcep mark is?"
I felt my anxiety rising instantly as I shook my head, "No, it wasn't swollen, it was fine."
"Ok," She sat down next to me.
"It looks like the forcep graze may have become infected and the baby doctors want to put her on a three day course of antibiotics." She was watching me very intently.
I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. "So I can't go home?"
she shook her head. "No, she will need to be monitored here."

I was silent, but my breathing was erratic as I tried to fight back the next onslaught of tears and anxiety.
"What can we do to make it easier for you to be here?" She asked quietly.
I shook my head, I couldn't think beyond having to stay here, I couldn't see anything that would make it better.
"What if we were to find you your own room?"
I looked at her, "Is that possible?" It seemed impossible.
"We've been talking about it, and we are going to see what we can make happen."

This past week has been a blur of nights becoming days becoming nights again. I did get my own room in the hospital finally, and as soon as I did, my panic attacks diminished, my milk started to come in, and my overwhelming need to keep some form of control in a 2x3 meter space disappeared.

We are finally home now. It is making a huge difference. Slowly things are starting to become a bit of a routine, but the lack of sleep, and getting breastfeeding going is an endless, ongoing exercise in endurance.
Lets see what next week brings, although I don't know when that will be. I have no idea what day it is anymore. I'm not sure why I care about that. As though it somehow makes a difference.

In the meantime, Baby and I will continue to get to know eachother. I love it when she makes eye contact and holds your gaze. I love that she settles on me so easily and that I can calm her when others cannot. I've always been slightly afraid of babies, and now suddenly here is one that actually calms down on me, rather than crying even louder.

Midnight Panic

I don't know which blog to write this on, so I'm going to put it in both.

I am awake now. Completely awake.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Baby is kicking up a storm, and has been for the past few hours now. I was finally drifting off to sleep, when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.
My heart was beating just a little too hard.
My gut was feeling just a little too twisty.
My shoulders were getting just a little too tense.
I couldn't breathe right.
I was too hot.

I was about to Panic.

Normally, I try and make these blogs somewhat humorous, but right now, I just can't think how.
I tried to calm myself down without getting out of bed. But it wasn't working, everything was geting worse. I was starting to feel on the verge of being very ill, that the next step was going to be huddled in the bathroom.

I don't know what it is. Or why it's happening again. Luckily I didn't fall asleep. Luckily I realised what was happening before it fully happened.

But now what. I'm up. I'm tired. I'm scared to go back to bed, because it's all lingering in the back of my mind.

My heart is still beating too hard.
My stomach still doesn't feel right.
Maybe I have food poisoning?

I don't even know what I'm most worried about, what has brought this on?

I can't go through with this pregnancy?
I am so embarrassed about how I look. I can't remember anything. Everyone is looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks I'm too big. Everyone is judging everything I eat. I can't relax. I can't believe there is a living thing inside me. I can't make it stop. I have absolutely no control over it. I have no say anymore. I am trapped. I want this to be over. I want the baby to be here. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want a drink to calm me down. I want my body back. I want to be me again.


Putting on this show?
I don't feel we're ready to go ahead with the show. Everything is taking too long. Surely we should have run it a few times by now. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so many people on board. It's all blowing out of control. Out of proportion. Much bigger than it needs to be. There's more to do than I had originally intended for. This wasn't what I had planned. I don't know my words. I can't act. It's going to look lame. It's going to be awful. I'll let everyone down. I've built it up too much. What if I freak out too much and can't do it after all. Why did I even do this to begin with? I have too much on. I have too much to think about. I want it all to stop.

I don't feel any better yet.
I'm scared this is going to keep getting worse. Maybe it won't even stop when baby gets here.
I want to get off this ride now.

Attack of the 'What If's'!

Yesterday, I treated myself to a pregnancy magazine. Thinking (rather naively as it turns out), that it would make me feel better about all the weird pains, the bad skin, and the impending (and inevitable) labour process.

I was wrong.

All the pictures of happy, gorgeous pregnant women did nothing to raise my currently lowered self esteem, nor did the maternity fashion spread, in which the most 'affordable' item of clothing was a Tunic (spelt 'tunique') going for $77 AUD. Add to that the article about the 3 stages of labour in which I read this;

"It is absolutely paramount during labour that you feel 100% safe, as this sets up a colossal chain reaction mentally that can affect your labour physically. Feelings of fear or anger automatically activate our fight and flight hormones such as adrenaline, which quickens the heart rate, tenses muscles, intensifies pain, and during labour, inhibits the synthesis of oxytocin for productive labour contractions. Fear and anger in childbirth become like a strong head wind, hindering progress and lengthening the whole process."

Good. God.

A mild panic attack quickly followed, in which I tried to call my husband at work. No answer. I had a shower to calm down, but ended up crying instead. Quite simply, I have absolutely no faith in my ability to get through labour without a panic attack.

What if I cause baby distress?
What if I make it lose oxygen?
What if the midwife yells at me?
What if I pass out?
What if the doctors think I'm crazy?
What if it's my fault something goes wrong?
What if.......

Be strong little baby, we will make it through together. Somehow. 

To Show, or Not to Show?

One week away from our first proper scan, and people are already asking whether I'm 'keeping a secret from them', giving me eating advice, and suggesting what type of shirts I should wear.

This does not bode well.

To be honest, this has been a terribly kept secret from the start, but is it possible to be showing at just 11 weeks? I googled it, webmd' it, and searched the huggies forums, but no one had an answer.  I don't think I am showing, I'm pretty sure I've just got fat.

To make it worse, I am craving pies....and WINE!! - seriously, how is that fair? Obviously I am not drinking the wine, but the pie craving is slightly overwhelming.  I clearly don't stand a chance of coming out of this pregnancy with any semblance of my former self. But is that the point?

Before I got pregnant, one of my main reasons for not getting pregnant was a paralysing fear of labour.
Now, I'm excited about it because it will mean that this whole pregnancy business is OVER!

Once the scan (fingers crossed) tells me that there is definitely a baby in there, then I will put up some pics for you so you can compare and judge for yourself. Then I just have to tell my boss, and my students, and the facebook universe......oh the many things to think about!