Waxing Philosophical

I remember, very clearly, the exact moment in which I realised that parents were people too.

I was 18 years old, sitting in the back of a tiny white sports car next to a bilingual Italian toddler, about to go over the alps from France to Italy, and I was talking to her Mum as though she were my peer. It suddenly struck me as crazy that this cool lady, just a few years older than me, should have given birth to, and now be solely responsible for, a human child.

This shocked me, to suddenly realise that parents were people too. More than that, that they were people who were like me, who had no more idea about raising kids than any other new parent. I remember looking at the toddler in shock and thinking, how are you still alive? How have you made it this far? And then looking back at her mum and thinking, aren't you afraid constantly? How do you know what to do?

Ridiculous as it may sound, I think we can all agree, that as children, we really believe that our Parents are not like our friends, they aren't like our aunties and uncles and they certainly aren't like our teachers or grandparents. Our Parents, were our Parents. That was all there was to it. They existed because we existed, not the other way around. 

Growing up, I trusted implicitly that my mum could make me feel better, that she would never let me go hungry, that I would always have clothing and books and that I'd never get too sick or injured that she couldn't fix it. I believed that my dad could protect us from everything, that we would always have at least some money, and that regardless of whatever happened, nothing would go terribly wrong because they were my Mum and Dad. They were my parents. With them around, everything would always be ok.

I see the same expectation in Little Beans smile, in her soft spoken baby conversations that she has with me, running her fingers over my face and cooing and gahing while we both stare into the others eyes. I see the unquestioning trust she has in me that everything will always be alright for her, and while my heart melts in those moments, at the same time I find myself dying from the fear of what I now know to be true.

I am just a person. I will do everything I can, but what if that is not enough? What if I can't be there for her? What if I can't make her better? What if I can't protect her from that stranger?

Poor Bean has her first cold, and last night, at 1:30am, developed her first cough. It's still unbelievable to me, how visceral my reactions to her pain are. When she cries, I tense up. When she is in pain, my heart literally aches. When she started coughing, each cough was like sandpaper inside my chest, and the fear in my stomach doubled with each one. Is it whooping cough? Croup? Pneumonia? Do we need to take her to the hospital? And with all that, the far too familiar feeling of anxiety, what if I can't make her better? What if, what if, what if....

Being a parent does not make you superhuman. You don't lose your previous identity by becoming a Mum or Dad. Being a parent simply makes you love someone like you never thought possible, and you live in constant fear of not being enough for them. In short, being a parent, is terrifying.

Three Mummies and a Baby

A selfish and Ungrateful Day

Today began as one of those days, where I desperately, desperately did not want to get out of bed. I was even secretly hoping that today might be given to me as a day where Baby Bean slept for its entirety without anything being wrong. Today, I wanted, nay needed

A DAY OFF.

Today I wished (not for the first time) that I was my Husband. That I could get up in the morning, say goodbye to sleepy bean and exit the door in clothes guaranteed to remain clean until I returned home nine hours later. That I could safely predict by my watch, what time I would eat morning tea and lunch. That I could sit down and complete my reports and paperwork in uninterrupted half hour stretches and then, after a stressful day working in adult-land, I could drive home, looking forward to seeing my baby in whatever state she was in.

Unfortunately, today, like every other day, my wish remained ungranted.

Instead, I was forced out of bed to calm a crying baby. Changed her, fed her, changed her again after getting pumpkin all through her hair. Realised I needed to get dressed but delayed that out of a necessity to clean the filthy kitchen. At some point I managed to eat breakfast while Bean lay frustrated at her inability to roll back the other way. Today I was too tired to play but not too tired to feel bad about it.

I knew that I should leave the house. I knew that a walk would do us both good. But the mere thought of getting everything required to leave for said walk was simply an insurmountable task.

Today there were tears, and 'please don't take too long to get home' phone calls. There was the 'I don't understand why' and 'you don't understand what' conversation and at some point, a block of chocolate vanished and a bottle of cider was emptied in record time.

Today was a Keep-It-Together day. And somehow I made it through - just.

Now I am locked in my room. With a guarantee of not being interrupted for anything baby related until this time tomorrow morning. Bliss. This is the upside of bottle feeding.

But today, I still want my old life back.

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Top 5 things I learnt last year

Well, it's the start of a new year, and that calls for a quick post.

Little Bean, it's been a hell of a journey. I say that quite literally, not gonna lie, but it's starting to become more fun now and I can even see (I can't believe I'm saying this), why people have more than one kid.

You said WHAT now?!

I learnt a heck of a lot last year, and find myself quite changed upon reflection. So I figured it would be prudent to record the five top changes and/or things I learnt during the course of last year - 2013.

• Before I had a baby, I was very afraid of vomit. Even the word would make me gag. The sight of babies drooling, spitting up, runny noses, or simply even the sound of someone gagging would be enough to set me off on a gag fest of my own. Now, I am regularly spat up on, vomited on multiple times a day, pooped on weekly (if I'm lucky) and frequently witness to epic projectiles, yet miraculously, I don't feel the slightest gag kick in anymore. WIN.

• Somehow, and I have no idea how this happens, you can actually get used to sleeping for just 2-3 hours at a time. Not just get used to it, but actually function on it. 

• You can have morning sickness and never actually be sick. You just feel like you are about to ALL the time. NB - if you are feeling like you are about to vomit, make sure you don't head for an alarmed exit. This is very embarrassing.

• Labour isn't the bit you should be scared about. Who knew. Although I'm not saying it wasn't scary. It's just that I didn't have time to think about how scary it was, and then it was all over. Also, episiotomy's are HUGE cuts, not little snips like I imagined. I see you squirming!

• Being open is incredibly important. Not only can it mean that you get the help you actually need, but in doing so you open up other people to share their experiences, and can bring people together. This has happened within my immediate and extended family through this blog. It's a shame it took so long and that people don't talk openly more, but without it, and the support that came with it, I don't know that I would have been as successful at getting through this year.

 2013 was the year of massive changes and overwhelming challenges. I challenged myself to face my anxiety head on, to perform live, to write songs, to become a better teacher, to become a mum. I started writing about all these things and my journey towards becoming a better me as a way to show others that they too can do it because I know I'm not the only 'anxious' person out there who wants more in their life.  I also didn't want my daughter to have a mum who limited herself. As a result of me documenting my journey, I have become more confident in myself, I have met new people and been privileged enough to have friends and strangers share their very personal stories with me. I faced two of my biggest fears last year and came through with greater understanding of who I am and who I can be and just how much I am truly capable of achieving. 

This year, is dedicated to my daughter. My goal is to keep writing, to get better at it, and to finish some of the novels I have started during my life and perhaps even get published somewhere. I am doing this for her, to show her that I can finish things, that I can see them through, and that it doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you are happy and content in yourself.

Happy 2014 everyone. 

A Christmas Letter

Dear Little Bean,

This will be your first Christmas ever, and we are so excited. We haven't got you a present, as we don't think you'd really care, and we should probably save that money for a high chair as you are growing and learning SO fast, that we almost can't keep up!

This time last year you were a thought in my head, an idea that sparked such excitement in me that I was already starting to dream about you. I knew you were there before I even found out I was pregnant because I dreamt about you. I asked you what we should call my mum, and you said "Nana Ali." In my dream I said 'A-, That's a great name," and when I rang Nana Ali the next day to tell her, she said "that's funny, 'cos that's the exact name I came up with yesterday."

We've had a rough start you and I. I wish I could do the beginning of your life all over again and make it better for both of us. I would tell the delivery theatre doctors to leave you be, to not take you away from me the minute you were born. I would hold you and tell them to leave you alone. I would figure out a way to stay by your side in the NICU ward, and I wouldn't let them tell me to not stroke your tiny hand. but I can't. So instead I am focussing on making your future the best that I can.

I wish I could protect you from all that world is going to throw at you. I wish I could keep you hidden from it's horrors forever. I wish that I could guarantee that you will never have to feel the pain of a school yard fist, or the sting of a bullying remark, or the tears of a broken heart. I pray that you don't feel the same anxiety I did as a teenager and I hope that I can be the role model you need me to be in order to become strong enough to deal with life's struggles. But I can't promise any of that. All I can do is promise that I will be there with you for it all. I will catch you when you fall and I will always pick you back up. I only hope I can give you the life you deserve.

Little Bean, you have changed me in ways I can't even describe. I used to be anxious all the time about what people thought of me, about death and pain, about me failing. But that changed the moment you were born. I still worry about what people think of me, but I care less about it. I don't freak out about performing because I want to show you that I am not scared and neither should you be. I fear death only because I am worried about what will happen to you if I am not around, and rather than worried that I will fail and embarrass myself, I worry that I will fail you most of all.

This christmas you are nearly 4 months old.  You smile and coo, and are about to laugh any day now. You are just learning to roll over and to grasp at toys. You still wake 2-3 times a night and you don't like to sleep during the day. You love bath time and you love singing with me and Daddy. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I will love you for every single second of it. Probably you won't read this letter for many, many years, but when you do, believe me when I say that all this will still be true.

Love,
Mummy

My Bald Baby

My Baby Girl has a lot of hair.

Super Cute Little Bean

Good. Now that that's out of the way I feel I can move on with my life.

Me in Paris

No!

Apparently I CAN NOT move on with my life, no more than I can claim that the above photo was taken in Sweet Paris. Nope, not until I have been alerted to the unusual amount of hair on her head by, oh I don't know, how 'bout

Every.

Single. 

Person.

Here are some things people have suggested I say, as a way to make it more interesting for myself.

Typical interaction.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Yes, she does have rather a lot."

Suggested interactions.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "It's a wig."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Yeah, can't wait for it to get a bit longer so I can cut it into a mullet to match her daddy. At least, we think that's her daddy, the other guy was bald so..."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Really? Oh, now that you mention it..."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "What? OMG I took the wrong baby AGAIN!"

What I enact in my head.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: *cue manic laughter and something synonymous with a stabbing motion*

So yes, my 13 week old Little Bean looks like a tiny adult already, and receives an awful lot of attention. I've managed to master the art of keeping moving and nodding politely whilst muttering said curse under my breath, but some women (and yes it is almost always women) are un-seemingly persistent. Apparently blind to the unfriendly (and often downright hostile) body language, and deaf to the not so subtle tones of 'leave me alone'. 

And so ends, the entry of the Little Bean with lots of hair and the *cough* semi insane mother.

10 things to never, ever say to a pregnant woman

There are many things that change when you are pregnant. Not just your body, your mindset, and your clothes. But also, apparently, the guidelines by which others are allowed to speak to you.

Below is a list of the ten weirdest, creepiest, and more than a little offensive and upsetting things that people feel OK saying to me since I got pregnant.

#10 Should you be eating that?

Now, this is offensive in two ways. Firstly, are you saying I'm fatter than I should be? Who gave you the right to judge anyway? And secondly, do you think I'm so heartless, that I don't think about what I'm eating almost constantly. Have you seen the list of foods to avoid when pregnant? Do you have any idea of the guilt trip placed upon pregnant women over eating almost everything from chicken, to subways to salad that hasn't been washed?! Back off.

#9 Hi Chubby

This was said in jest. He thought he was hilarious. I very nearly slapped him, but instead pointed out that I was unlikely to ever catch up to his stomach.

#8 How's the body holding up?

Said by another well-meaning man. But it's weird, and creepy. You don't, just don't ask a pregnant lady how the 'body' is holding up. What kind of answer are you after? A truthful one with all the gory details, "Not great actually, my back hurts, my boobs hurt, I pee when I cough, when I sneeze and when I laugh, I am waking up with leg cramps, and everything is aching 100% of the time. Oh, did you want to know about the constipation and haemorrhoids too?" I didn't think so. So just don't ask. 

#7 God, you're looking really pregnant today.

Thanks. I hadn't noticed. I certainly don't feel it. 

#6 But since you're pregnant, you're obviously NOT on antidepressants

I was so mad at this shop assistant that I fumed about this statement for the next two days. I wish that I'd said right there and then, "well actually, I am". The judgement in that one statement was astonishing. I'm sorry, I am taking medications for my sanity while pregnant. Yet, here I am in your health store clearly taking an interest in keeping myself and baby healthy. What do you make of that? Am I evil in your eyes now? Do you think me some kind of callous mother who only thinks of herself? Do you think I didn't spend months weighing up the pros and cons and researching EVERYTHING that could be found about taking this medication while pregnant???

Well fuck you too, lady.

#5 You're allowed to look bigger, you're pregnant.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but really, you're not. Now I just feel fat for a reason.

#4 The more you gain now, the harder it is to lose later!

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to remember that when I've been thinking of nothing but cheeseburgers for 36 hours straight. Or when I'm so ravenously hungry I literally can't think straight. It's all about getting back in shape afterall. Thanks for reminding me.

#3 No, you definitely CANNOT drink

This debate has happened in front of me a number of times now. Mostly it happens when I mention how much I'd like a drink. I certainly never actually asked for one. I am in the 'don't risk it' camp at the moment, but I think that, like most things, the alcohol consumption in pregnancy thing is a personal choice. Forcing your opinion on me, particularly when you have a glass of merlot in your hand, have never been pregnant, or (god forbid) are a GUY, is tantamount to saying "no, you cannot have an abortion, it's bad, you are a bad person if you do that", and then turning back to your child free life and ignoring the fact that you have kids you simply never see.

#2 You should be excited

I am excited. Are you kidding? I'm also in constant discomfort, have become some sort of magnet for people to stare at, am not sleeping and feel ugly and disgusting. Sorry that my excitement isn't showing through for you at every possible moment.

#1 Surely you can't have THAT long to go, you're HUGE!

Just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean telling me I'm huge is a compliment. Would you say that to someone who wasn't pregnant? Why do you think saying it to a pregnant woman is going to have any less of a negative effect? I go home each day feeling more and more self conscious about how I am looking, precisely because of comments like this. Mostly they come from men. Bastards.

Things I never expected when I was expecting

My anxiety has fluctuated greatly over the past couple of months. One moment I feel fine, like I can handle all these changes and uncertainties like a pro! The next, I look in the mirror, see my spotty skin and growing waistline and freak out. Thoughts like "I can't do this, get me off!" are not uncommon in our household at those moments. It doesn't help that I feel completely useless next to my superhero husband who has started doing the groceries, making tea, doing the dishes, the laundry, and still managing to work and rehearse his show, all while I battle the urge to eat an entire box of coco pops, struggle to get off the couch, and can barely keep my eyes open during the day, yet lay awake all night. Basically, I have become a useless and incompetent incubator who no longer fits anything, or can walk anywhere for longer than half an hour without having to sit down. I do buy him lots of presents to show him how grateful I am, but it doesn't feel like enough. He says it's fine, but I don't believe it is. I only hope that I can show him how amazing he is and pull through this pregnancy without too many anxious meltdowns!


The top 10 things I never expected when I was expecting (other than how amazing my husband would be).
16 weeks edition

1. My cute tiny feet would grow.
2. My hair would fall out...I thought it was supposed to stop falling out at all!
3. How quickly I would no longer fit my clothes.
4. How ravenously hungry you can be after eating all day, and how sick being hungry can make you feel.
5. ...I can't quite remember this one......Baby brain! (It's a real thing).
6. That food aversion is just as real as food craving.
7. At the start, it hurts when you cough, it hurts when you sneeze, it hurts when you laugh
8. Suddenly women everywhere are dying to tell your their pregnancy stories, their birth stories, in fact, any stories.
9. How sore your boobs can get.....even going over speed bumps was TORTURE.
10. That I'd stop being so afraid of labour - the thought of not being pregnant is just too good!

and the added bonus thing: 

1. How many weird dreams of trying to crawl through tiny spaces I would start having....hmmmm.
2. oh, did I mention how amazing my husband would be?