10 things to never, ever say to a pregnant woman

There are many things that change when you are pregnant. Not just your body, your mindset, and your clothes. But also, apparently, the guidelines by which others are allowed to speak to you.

Below is a list of the ten weirdest, creepiest, and more than a little offensive and upsetting things that people feel OK saying to me since I got pregnant.

#10 Should you be eating that?

Now, this is offensive in two ways. Firstly, are you saying I'm fatter than I should be? Who gave you the right to judge anyway? And secondly, do you think I'm so heartless, that I don't think about what I'm eating almost constantly. Have you seen the list of foods to avoid when pregnant? Do you have any idea of the guilt trip placed upon pregnant women over eating almost everything from chicken, to subways to salad that hasn't been washed?! Back off.

#9 Hi Chubby

This was said in jest. He thought he was hilarious. I very nearly slapped him, but instead pointed out that I was unlikely to ever catch up to his stomach.

#8 How's the body holding up?

Said by another well-meaning man. But it's weird, and creepy. You don't, just don't ask a pregnant lady how the 'body' is holding up. What kind of answer are you after? A truthful one with all the gory details, "Not great actually, my back hurts, my boobs hurt, I pee when I cough, when I sneeze and when I laugh, I am waking up with leg cramps, and everything is aching 100% of the time. Oh, did you want to know about the constipation and haemorrhoids too?" I didn't think so. So just don't ask. 

#7 God, you're looking really pregnant today.

Thanks. I hadn't noticed. I certainly don't feel it. 

#6 But since you're pregnant, you're obviously NOT on antidepressants

I was so mad at this shop assistant that I fumed about this statement for the next two days. I wish that I'd said right there and then, "well actually, I am". The judgement in that one statement was astonishing. I'm sorry, I am taking medications for my sanity while pregnant. Yet, here I am in your health store clearly taking an interest in keeping myself and baby healthy. What do you make of that? Am I evil in your eyes now? Do you think me some kind of callous mother who only thinks of herself? Do you think I didn't spend months weighing up the pros and cons and researching EVERYTHING that could be found about taking this medication while pregnant???

Well fuck you too, lady.

#5 You're allowed to look bigger, you're pregnant.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but really, you're not. Now I just feel fat for a reason.

#4 The more you gain now, the harder it is to lose later!

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to remember that when I've been thinking of nothing but cheeseburgers for 36 hours straight. Or when I'm so ravenously hungry I literally can't think straight. It's all about getting back in shape afterall. Thanks for reminding me.

#3 No, you definitely CANNOT drink

This debate has happened in front of me a number of times now. Mostly it happens when I mention how much I'd like a drink. I certainly never actually asked for one. I am in the 'don't risk it' camp at the moment, but I think that, like most things, the alcohol consumption in pregnancy thing is a personal choice. Forcing your opinion on me, particularly when you have a glass of merlot in your hand, have never been pregnant, or (god forbid) are a GUY, is tantamount to saying "no, you cannot have an abortion, it's bad, you are a bad person if you do that", and then turning back to your child free life and ignoring the fact that you have kids you simply never see.

#2 You should be excited

I am excited. Are you kidding? I'm also in constant discomfort, have become some sort of magnet for people to stare at, am not sleeping and feel ugly and disgusting. Sorry that my excitement isn't showing through for you at every possible moment.

#1 Surely you can't have THAT long to go, you're HUGE!

Just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean telling me I'm huge is a compliment. Would you say that to someone who wasn't pregnant? Why do you think saying it to a pregnant woman is going to have any less of a negative effect? I go home each day feeling more and more self conscious about how I am looking, precisely because of comments like this. Mostly they come from men. Bastards.

Getting Resentful - (a pregnant rant)

It's true.
Right now, there is very little that isn't making me very angry. Hateful even.
Quite frankly. I have become an angry, bitchy, whinging, tearful monster.

I quote the huggies website for week 21:

"Try to take some time every day, just to enjoy your pregnancy. This is a time when the early discomforts have (hopefully) settled, but the baby isn’t so big it’s causing you to be really uncomfortable. You could feel yourself in love with the world, a sense of well-being infusing every pore. Alternately, you could just be feeling fat and a little fed up. You may find you have a very short fuse when it comes to tolerating others and find yourself irritated by the smallest things. Make the time to exercise which will help your body release endorphins, those feel good hormones."

Exercise 

Well, it's clear which group I'm part of, and they suggest 'exercise' will help.  That 'swimming is ideal'. Huh! Really? Have they tried fitting into a pair of togs lately? Or even figuring out the best way to shave your legs (without a) crushing the baby or b) falling over or c) finding yourself unable to stand back up) in order to respectably don any type of swimming outfit? Not to mention the extreme self consciousness that comes with looking like a baby whale. Hey, lets just make it more obvious, and jump into the pool! Find my distant relations and swim off into oblivion!


I want to exercise, I really do. But when it comes to the end of the day, I am far too exhausted to do anything. The other day, I even did what I swore as a beginning teacher I would never do. I put on a video for my class, because I was simply to tired to teach them anything.

Other People

Particularly men, seem oblivious to the fact that comments you would never say to us when we aren't pregnant, are not suddenly ok to say just because we are.

I am a very short person. Therefore, apparently I look much more pregnant that I actually am. I am only just over half way there, therefore I anticipate that I am going to be pretty much rolling everywhere I go in the not too distant future.

I AM AWARE OF THIS!

Calling me 'chubby' is not ok.

Saying 'it's ok that you're big, you're pregnant', does not make me feel better.

'You're only big in your belly' just makes me want to slap you.

Telling me 'you look like you swallowed a basket ball', is doing yourself no favours.

At least, I'm managing to avoid the tummy touching at the moment...most of those who know me seem to have been forewarned. 

Work

There is just way too much stuff to go into here.

I am on overload! I only officially work one part time job. That is essentially 16 hours of work a week. Or so my pay cheque will tell you. 

But, as any teacher will you, this is a lie. I do not work a mere 16 hours a week. No teacher does. I have 180 reports to write, 16 hours of lessons to plan a week, marking and photocopying to do for each class, not too mention the two hours of extra curricular choir rehearsals I run, a major musical performance evening coming up, as well as the half hour of duty I am supposed to do each week. So, I get paid for 16, but essentially work at least 30 in my official part time job.

Of course, lets not forget that I am also planning the giant interschool choir festival. Which was my own monster that I created last year. People really loved it, and now it must continue. However, I have no funding, can't afford to pay anyone, and therefore am acting as director, secretary, media spokesperson, school liason, presenter liason, marketing and communications all by myself for free. This week, I put in 6-10 hours of work in my own time to get this thing up and running, recruit people to run workshops, and write up and send out giant information packs to all the schools taking part. I have some help from others, but they are all very busy also.

And finally, this second baby monster I have created....my grand scheme to make a performance opportunity for myself in order to not let this years goals go to waste. The wonderful cabaret. It's fun, it's exciting, I think about it all the time. I have applied for rights, found the venue, found everyone who is involved, created the first ideas script, and sorted out advertising. But now someone has pulled out...and it's suddenly become very stressful. 

So - there you go. 

I bring it on myself. So what can I expect.

But I am still mad.

Dad's

Dad's have it easy as far as I can see. They get a baby without any hard work really. They can take a week or two off work and then go back, knowing that they aren't needed because Mum is the feeding machine. They get time off to go and interact with adults on a daily basis. They get to continue all their favourite pastimes while Mum is pregnant. As far as I can see right now, their lives actually don't get disrupted all that much. 

I know that I am probably completely wrong, but that's what I've been thinking this week, and it makes me MAD.

The Baby

And yet, with all this going on, all I want to do is think about the baby. I just want to make up the room. I just want to stay home with it and not go back to work. I just want it to get here so that I can say 'hi, little one'.

I just want someone to come and say - "it's all good, take a rest and feel baby move some more. Everything's under control and everything will be fine. I'll take it from here."

But in today's modern world, and with my own over ambitiousness, lets be honest. Who gets to do that?

Half way downsides, upsides, and insides

It's official, from now on, my little app counters 'weeks to go' will be less than the 'weeks completed'!!

I was told at the start that the second trimester would be the best, that I'd have amazing hair and lots of energy, that I'd be happy and excited and everything would pretty much be like dancing in a crystal lake with singing baby unicorns covered with rainbow swirls.

"NAWWWWWWWW!"


That was a lie.

I am told by the odd person that I am glowing. If that's true, then my body is doing some weird camouflage trick whereby it is hiding the inner ugliness extremely well. I'm not sure what the evolutionary point of this would be, however.


For the past couple of months I have been prone to getting very overwhelmed, crying at inappropriate times, and for what seems like very little reason. This isn't the case though - there is a lot on my mind! I am worried about labour, finances, work situation, my mental state before and after baby gets here. On top of that, there is work, reports, interviews, I am putting on a show, and a festival and something else probably that I don't even know about!!!! Sigh, at least it's keeping me distracted from the pregnancy a little bit.

Baby brain is reaching new, unexplored heights. I am actually a little concerned that I may not remember anything or anyone very soon.

For the past month, I have been loosing about 3 times more hair than normal every time I shower/brush/straighten, or indeed do anything to it in an attempt to feel pretty. This concerns me somewhat, as I was informed that women in fact lost LESS hair while pregnant....

In the past week I have been whacked in the face (or oesophagus) with the worst heartburn I've ever had! I am now having to sleep in a semi upright position, which is interesting. Apparently this is because baby is now making it's presence really known, and all my insides are getting squished up to make room. Yummy.

Yesterday I had my first experience of round ligament pain. That is, short, stabby pains in your lower abdomen. I'm not sure what the point of them is, but they can really make you catch your breath and freeze up. Worst thing is that they happen frequently, and quickly, and over and over again.


On the upside though, we went and bought baby some storage shelves for her room, and also some really bold coloured storage baskets to fit in the shelves. It looks fantastic, and it was so nice to put some of the things we have collected for her into them. Rather than leaving them in the cot.

And the even better news is? I can now sometimes feel the kicks with my hand! I started feeling the movements very very early, at about 15 weeks. But everyone told me it was very unlikely, and to be honest, made me feel pretty rubbish about it. But I know now that I WAS feeling kicks, because those little flutters have simply got stronger, and two days ago I put my hand on my bump and felt it move on the outside. It was the best thing ever!

Hands Off!

Just a note.
No woman I have ever met, likes having her tummy touched.
Not by family, not by friends, and not by strangers!
I don't know why this changes for some women when they are pregnant, but it hasn't changed for me!

Besides, at just about 13 weeks, I am somewhat offended that I am 'showing' at all.  I've spent years trying to hide my tummy, get rid of it, dress it up so it's disguised, and now what? I'm supposed to just be ok with it? Just like that?!

I don't think so.

I may well be in denial, but I don't think the belly I currently have is a baby bump. It's certainly not 'cute' as people are suddenly claiming. Pretty sure it's just a result of having to constantly eat to avoid throwing up. So telling me I am showing already, feels pretty much the same as it did when people asked if I was pregnant BEFORE I was pregnant.

Basically, I need a t shirt that say "Yes. I'm Pregnant. No. You cannot touch it!"

SMILE! BREATHE! Quickly move on!

Little Bouncy Hamster

The Scan, in short, was amazing.
I was so nervous I couldn't eat much breakfast at all. Then I was struggling to drink the amount of water required to inflate my bladder in order to push the uterus into a position they could see it. So by the time we arrived - a whole half hour early - I was pretty sure they weren't going to see anything, even there was something to see. And it would be all my fault.

However, luck was in our favour! The 8am appointment never showed up, so at 8.10 we were ushered down a series of maze like corridors into a darkened room with a giant screen on the wall.

First thing I did? I looked around to see what I could possible throw up into should I get to that point.
(Threat checking again!!)

I lay down, exposed my tummy, and closed my eyes. Determined that if there was something wrong then I didn't want to see it, I just wanted to be let down gently.
My Husband gasped and said 'Oh Wow!'

Eyes open.

There it was. A teeny, tiny human creature larger than life on the screen before us.
We certainly didn't need training in radiography to be able to tell for ourselves, there was definitely a baby in there.

Not going to lie, there were tears from both of us. Laughter too as we watched baby jumping on the walls of my uterus as though it were a trampoline.

The radiographer was having a hard time trying to capture the images needed as the little monkey kept twisting and turning.

Two arms, two hands, ten fingers, two legs and feet, a head, a tiny beating heart. Everything was just where it should be.

At one point it rolled over and faced us, showing us it's terrifyingly alien like face at which we all cried 'roll back baby!"

After all that stress of the first 12 weeks, it's amazing to finally have a picture. To know it's real. To know that I haven't eaten something or taken too hot a bath and ruined it all somehow. Husband is now finally letting himself be excited too. We can finally start looking at baby furniture and other cute things - and we finally let the facebook universe know!

For the meantime, I am not anxious right now. Just very, very excited. I'm even starting to feel ok about the prospect of labour, as that means I will finally get to meet the little bean.