Night Leave

Two weeks after I made it home from respite, I am finally about to go to sleep in my own bed again.

It is a strange feeling, having to line up and ask for your meds in the morning, explaining exactly when you are leaving and when you will be back. Having them, in turn explain in great detail what meds you are taking with you and how to take them - apparently oblivious to the fact that you have been managing them yourself for years without issue.

Ok, maybe not completely without issue.

I'm not going to lie. Just over 24 hours at home and I've only begged to be taken back twice...unsure if that is a success or not?

We had some nice chilled out family time, didn't do anything more extreme than visit the mall on easter saturday (!!!!!) and watch a few episodes of breaking bad.

We made a valiant attempt to get some awesome family pictures.

And made Bean her own little racing car from a box and some twine.

And in the midst of all this, we worried about us as a family. Will we make it through this? What does this mean for our marriage? It appears we are both blaming the other one for having a part in this breakdown, and we are both searching the past to see who did what, and who didn't do what. How did this happen? How did we fall so far?

Husband isn't doing great, but I can't hold him up. I want to, but those feelings of burden just come crashing back and all I can think is - these two would be better off without all this trouble I am causing them. They would be better off without me. I am making their lives too hard, no one should have to live like this, with a mother and wife in hospital because she can no longer cope with life. 

A Baby being shunted back and forwards, hospital to car, car to home, home to car and back again.

What if this destroys us and it's all my fault?

How would I ever forgive myself that evil?

I have used all my PRN on this trip. And I know that I won't be able to come home in a week. I simply am not well enough yet. The littlest hint of upset, anger or of the pain I am causing leaves me reeling and completely unable to see anything past the moment.

So we are creating little moments for me to giggle at when I'm in my room. Between nurse checks and shift changes, I can scan through my phone and remember that things can be ok.