Am I Ready for a Baby?

This is the only quiz you will ever need to take. To find out if you are ready for a little bundle of joy, read on.

1. You're sick of having the same old 'will you do the dishes' discussion with your significant other. 

No. Move On.

Yes. Have a baby. You'll fight over doing the dishes or putting the baby to bed, with dishes being the preferred outcome. Oh, the uninterrupted tidying time!

2. You desperately want an excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe. 

No. Move on.

Yes. Have a baby. You'll be forced to buy new clothes, weekly. Unfortunately, every new purchase will rapidly increasing in size, and decrease in style - even when the baby is out - unless you're one of those mum's who actually go back to their original size. bastards.

3. You struggle to get the laundry done and end up spending one day a week frantically trying to wash and dry everything you own. 

No. Move on.

Yes. Have a baby. That tiny creature will create more washing than you have ever seen in your life. Their washing pile will be bigger than yours, and you will have no choice but to do a wash every day so that you don't run out of onesies, bibs or cloth nappies.

4. You generally struggle to keep your house in a semi organised state.

No. Move on.

Yes. Have a baby. In amongst all the laundry and dishes you'll be doing, your floor is about to become incredibly clutter free, as you rapidly discover the sheer number of items a baby can fit in its mouth. 

5. You really struggle to get up in the morning.

No. Move on.

Yes. Have a baby. The most trustworthy and yet, unpredictable alarm in the world. You will not be able to push the snooze button ever again.

6. You've read my entire blog and every parenting and pregnancy book there is. You've joined every mummy page on facebook and know what I'm talking about when I mention the words 'ferber method' and 'helicopter parenting' and 'wonder weeks'. 

No. Move on.

Yes. Have a kid. You'll soon realise how much time you wasted and then Bean and I will have someone else to play with!

Results. 

Mostly yes. Your life sounds amazing, you have so much time on your hands! You are definitely not ready for a baby. If you have one anyway, it will be like a train has hit you in the face. But at least your dishes will get done. With glee. Every day. Multiple times a day. Joy!

Mostly No. Your life sounds amazing, you're way too organised and particular about things to have a baby come and turn it upside down for you. Why are you even reading this?

The Wonder Weeks.

For those of you not in the know, 'The Wonder Weeks' is a book which outlines 10 major mental developmental leaps a baby takes within their first twenty months on earth. It is based on a scientific study conducted by a husband and wife team, who discovered these leaps and solved every parents problems by writing a book about it, and making lots of money.

I was quickly alerted to this books existence within weeks of Baby being born. "I'm SAVED!" I thought, non too quietly to all who would listen. "Finally, I will know what is going on. I will know why Little Bean is so cranky. I will have the answers as to how to make it easier to cope with."

Alas, I was mistaken.

Because, you see dear reader, those weeks of 'wonder' occur during the following weeks after baby's 'due date':

4.5 - 5.5 weeks.
7.5 - 9.5 weeks
11.5 - 12.5 weeks
14.5 - 19.5 weeks
22.5 - 26.5 weeks
Then you have a lovely 'calm spell', although be warned, there could be a rough patch at weeks 26.5 - 30.5, but lucky for you, this isn't associated with anything wonderful.

Then we are straight back into the wonder at...

33.5 - 37.5 weeks
41.5 - 48.5
50.5 - 54.5
59.5 - 64.5
and finally,
70.5 - 75.5

Of course, these are all approximate and given to taking or giving a week here and there. So it's not a very exact science.

I do appreciate that they have tried to make it easy on us Newbie Parents though, outlining the 3 C's of what to look out for. The signals that a change is imminent. The 3 C's being, crying, cranky and clingy. Not cuddly, cute and calm as you may have hoped for such a wonderful week.

I am baffled.
I feel it would have been a lot more helpful to have concluded from the study, the following facts.

1. Your baby will go through developmental changes in roughly this order.
2. They will happen over a period of roughly two years.
3. No baby will achieve all the changes at once, or at the same time as other babies.
4. Your baby will be cranky, crying and clingy for the majority of those two years.

I particularly liked the part in the book where they let you know that if you are feeling 'stressed and frustrated', it's just a sign that a wonder week is occurring.

As far as I'm concerned, a 'wonder week' by their definition is constantly occurring around here. The book is badly titled, and very misleading. I believe it should be titled, '2 Years Of Hell'. Or perhaps even, 'Why You Are Living With The Spawn Of Satan: But never fear, some weeks they'll be angels." 

The true wonder weeks, which are actually wonderful, are few and far between, as you can see by the 'gaps' between the above wonder weeks. I think it would have been much better use of their precious study time to let us know when THOSE weeks will occur. Give or take a few of course. Because every baby is different. And really, who knows what's going on.

An Insight

Yesterday things went pretty well. I was planning to blog about how my hair has finally started falling out, apparently that happens after you have a baby. A wonderful hormonal side effect which is delayed if you are breastfeeding. Along with everything else, apparently.

But I am so tired. Little Bean is making a horrible whining, whingy sound which isn't a cry, or a grumble, or anything. I honestly have no idea why she is making it. She sounds incredibly tired, which doesn't surprise me, she hasn't slept much lately. Overnights appear to have gone backwards from good long stretches of up to 6 or 7 hours on a good night, to three hours if you're lucky. Yet she won't sleep. I've tried everything. Feeding, cuddling, leaving her, walking, patting, playing, changing nappies, yes dummy, no dummy and probably something not listed here.

So here is a video. So you can share my pain. Be warned, it shows the really glamorous side of parenting.

NB: I lied. I was in fact, half dressed, I had however been interrupted during the process, and was therefore still half not dressed.

30 minutes later: Wouldn't you know it. I put her in her bouncer and she's happy as Larry. There is no reason to this madness.

5 minutes later: Oh wait. Not happy anymore.

Growing Up Catholic

One of the, dare I say, many unfortunate by-products of growing up Catholic, is that you feel guilty about everything. You feel a constant need to confess.

All the time.

It NEVER GOES AWAY!

When you become a parent, you also feel guilty. All of the time.

It

DOES

NOT

STOP!

So when you combine the two, you end up with a guilt overload. It's like crashing two atoms together and creating your own guilt universe. Everything you don't do perfectly becomes a catastrophe, everything you think and want for yourself is a terribly selfish thing, and you feel like you should simply go to your room and hide, or beg for forgiveness, or cry, or say sorry, or do all of those all at the same time!

Today is one of those days where I would give almost anything for someone to take my daughter for the day, simply so I can sleep for longer than 2 hours at a stretch and regain a sense of sanity. But even the fact that I am thinking that makes me feel like a horrible mother. No, a horrible PERSON, akin to a hun, or Stalin, or Sauron, or Darth Vader.

Thinking these thoughts makes me feel...

..Guilty.

These days where I wished this disappeared for a while, but now have returned with a vengeance. I'm really not sure why. Perhaps it's because my shoulders and back are aching from looking down at and holding a feeding baby for hours a day. Maybe it's because I'm so run down, I feel like I have been on the brink of having the flu for two weeks now and am waking up in-between night feeds with headaches and runny noises. Or perhaps it's to do with the increasing episodes of Mummy guilt over things I'm doing wrong, and encroaching anxiety as I realise how I truly could not cope if something unspeakable did happen.

At ten weeks, these are some valuable lessons I have learnt.

1. Cutting baby fingernails is a next to impossible and extremely dangerous endeavour. Best to mitten up their little hands or bite the nails while they are feeding. But even that can lead to disaster and screaming and GUILT.
2. The old wives tale (and popular opinion on 'the natural parent' facebook page and numerous mummy forums online) that breast milk will cure sticky eye (and all manner of other ailments) is a lie. In fact, it can make them much, much worse and you will end up feeling extreme GUILT when you do go to the doctor and they ask if that is what you have done. 
3. Going to the doctor is free for under 5's, even after hours. I feel GUILTY that I waited till sunday to take her, when I should have taken her on friday. I should have been more proactive.
4. Don't pick a baby up with one hand. This can lead to falling babies, babies knocking heads on things, screaming babies and extreme GUILT for you.
5. Babies don't always let you know when they need a new nappy. You have to remember to check and change them. If you don't remember and suddenly it's been 6 hours and when you do check they are really in need of a new one, guess what, you will feel very GUILTY!
6. Always have a cloth over your shoulder. Ironically, I don't have one there right now. Failing to do this wont make you feel guilty. It will just make you more washing.
7. Babies need to be entertained. They need "stimulation". They need it from you. If you are however, only getting about 5 hours maximum of broken sleep each night, then you will feel GUILTY for not being enthusiastic about this, and instead wishing that your baby would just go to sleep.

So, here I am, feeling like I am a horrendously lazy mother. Clearly I don't care or love my child enough because all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to spend the next hour repeating silly baby noises and poking her nose and forcing myself to smile and laugh because it makes her smile back occasionally. I want to sleep. 

And so here I am. Typing this. Feeling overwhelmingly

...Guilty.