We meet again. I admit, this time you've got me good. But don't feel too smug, I always come out on top.
You see, MG, I've called in reinforcements and my Mum is coming to stay. She's my secret weapon, and it took a lot for me to bring her into this fray. But you've really managed to get a handle on my thoughts this time round. I'm starting to doubt your existence. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I am just an attention seeker who is selfishly making everyone else's lives miserable in trying to get it.
I ask for help like I think I'm supposed to, like I'm told to, but I do it reluctantly because I can't help thinking that I am some kind of failure. I can't help but believe that all I'm doing when I ask for back up, is making the receiving party's life infinitely harder, and that I'm being incredibly selfish and perhaps, just overreacting to your renewed attack.
Or worse, perhaps I'm using you as an excuse to be a bitch. Perhaps I'm using you as a reason to explain why I'm miserable, antisocial and lazy. I don't even want to post this letter, MG. Because I'm scared of how it will look. I'm anxious of what people will say. I'm anxious they will look at me differently.
But then I get confused, isn't that the point of this blog? Didn't I start this as a way of being more open about all this? So why is it so hard to be honest when it does get difficult?
Perhaps I really am just a pessimistic complainer, who only focuses on the bad stuff and doesn't try hard enough to be happy. A girl who can't handle ordinary life, goes down at the smallest punch and expects everything to be handed to her on a silver platter. I start to wonder what's wrong with me.
Other mum's manage just fine, so what is wrong with me? I am avoiding socialising with some new mums because their apparent togetherness and blissful existence leaves me feeling incapable. You make me afraid that I somehow love my daughter less than they love theirs. You make me feel that they are looking at me with disappointment in their eyes, whispering behind my back in coffee groups about how horrible I am, how selfish, how negligent and how attention seeking. I have a child, she's perfect, she's healthy and she's happy, so why don't I just get on with it?
But that's just it, isn't it Morosey, I know you're here for the long haul and that's my lot. There will be no 'snapping out of it'.
Morose, you make me so angry. How am I supposed to be a good mum when in my head I am begging her to stop crying at the same time I'm trying not to start? How am I supposed to get through the hours, days, weeks with your constant hypnotic suggestions of peace ringing in my brain? How am I supposed to enjoy this precious time with her when each smile is a struggle and my arms won't lift themselves let alone her?
Well you know what MG, I will keep doing just that. I'll smile for her, even if it's fake. I'll laugh for her, even if it's just for show. I'll do it because I love her. Because she deserves to think I am happy. She deserves to think I am fine. This fight has nothing to do with her, it's between you and me. So keep on bringing it, if you must.
Sincerely,
Me.
Perhaps I really am just a pessimistic complainer, who only focuses on the bad stuff and doesn't try hard enough to be happy. A girl who can't handle ordinary life, goes down at the smallest punch and expects everything to be handed to her on a silver platter. I start to wonder what's wrong with me.
"Why can't you just get on with it?""Buck up."
"Get over it already!"
"Pull your socks up!""What have you got to be sad about?"
Other mum's manage just fine, so what is wrong with me? I am avoiding socialising with some new mums because their apparent togetherness and blissful existence leaves me feeling incapable. You make me afraid that I somehow love my daughter less than they love theirs. You make me feel that they are looking at me with disappointment in their eyes, whispering behind my back in coffee groups about how horrible I am, how selfish, how negligent and how attention seeking. I have a child, she's perfect, she's healthy and she's happy, so why don't I just get on with it?
Why can't I just snap out of it?
But that's just it, isn't it Morosey, I know you're here for the long haul and that's my lot. There will be no 'snapping out of it'.
Morose, you make me so angry. How am I supposed to be a good mum when in my head I am begging her to stop crying at the same time I'm trying not to start? How am I supposed to get through the hours, days, weeks with your constant hypnotic suggestions of peace ringing in my brain? How am I supposed to enjoy this precious time with her when each smile is a struggle and my arms won't lift themselves let alone her?
Well you know what MG, I will keep doing just that. I'll smile for her, even if it's fake. I'll laugh for her, even if it's just for show. I'll do it because I love her. Because she deserves to think I am happy. She deserves to think I am fine. This fight has nothing to do with her, it's between you and me. So keep on bringing it, if you must.
Sincerely,
Me.
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