This Too, Shall Pass

Two days after Miss A was born,  I suddenly realised that I had made a really big mistake. I wasn't meant to be a mother. I wasn't cut out for dealing with a new born. I didn't feel that overwhelming rush of love that everyone talks about, instead, when I looked at her, all I felt was fear. Fear that my life was over. Fear that I wasn't up to the task. Fear that I had let her down already, that I would be a disappointment to her, that I would never feel the love that I was supposed to feel - had EXPECTED to feel for this tiny, brand new human.

Tomorrow, she will be 9 weeks old, and last week, I took a rare moment of quiet, to read through this entire blog from the start. I realised how far I have come, how far we have come, and how much I have changed. Before Miss A was born, I was bored. A lot.  I was anxious about things which I had far too much time to think about, and I generally spent my days pondering the future, or remembering the past. I have not been bored even once, since she was born. I've been frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, scared and elated, but I have not been bored. I am far less anxious now about life than I can remember being in a long time, perhaps this is because I haven't got the time to over-think, to plan out the worst possible scenario or let anticipation take over. Or perhaps it's because suddenly, I realise how precious each moment is. Each sleepless night is the only one I get with her. Every tired morning and exhausted afternoon are only fleeting moments in her life, and nothing lasts. I am spending far less time dreaming of, or worrying about the future, rather, I am suddenly realising how precious each moment with her is.

Everyone keeps saying: 'it's only temporary',

'this too shall pass', 

and 

'it's just a phase'. 

Sayings (I assume) meant to help parents envisage a light at the end of a tunnel when everything becomes too overwhelming. But they also serve as stark reminders that everything is only temporary, that this will pass, and that once it's gone, it won't come back.

How far I've come since the start of this year. How much I have learned. I am most definitely a different person from what I was, my daughter has changed me in ways I never dreamed. I am more patient, far calmer, and somehow more in control of how I react to situations. That's not to say that on the inside I am not freaking out and completely losing it, but outwardly, I am able to maintain my composure, at least for a while.  I have a friend who is in their third trimester, and I suddenly find myself a source of advice, an experienced 'parent', who apparently looks like they've "got this parenting thing down", to outsiders. I certainly don't feel that way! It seems ridiculous that I'm offering advice at all!