29 weeks - antenatal

Ok, I think it's fair to say that this is getting pretty difficult now. Physically, and mentally it is taking quite a toll. At the start, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it because of all my anxiety and panic attack issues, but I've surprised myself on that front. For the most part, any anxiety I have had has been pregnancy related, and fairly normal concern about effects on the baby. I haven't been in a constant state of unrestrained panic or fear, like I imagined I would be. I haven't been freaking out and feeling like there is an alien living inside me, that something abnormal is happening and I might die at any minute. I have made it through some pretty extreme panic situations without taking my normal calming miracle pills. I certainly haven't been wishing it would all go away constantly, and I definitely haven't gone crazy. Yet.

Perhaps that is all about to end, I don't know. All I do know, is that the last month has been hard. At first I wasn't sure if I was hormonal or actually getting legitimately depressed. I couldn't tell if I was just wanting to hide at home because I was actually tired, or if I was making excuses because I am becoming increasingly self conscious about my changing appearance. I decided to wait it out. Figuring that things would get better. But they didn't. They got worse.

Last week I had a complete break down. I got teary, irritable, exhausted, couldn't sleep, couldn't be bothered getting up, getting dressed, or even eating properly. I desperately, desperately wanted it to be over. I must have had a baby growth spurt, because suddenly I can't put on my shoes, I can't bend, or reach for things, and even my husband reckoned I'd grown one afternoon. Literally, bigger since that morning apparently.

I have been rude to friends, basically my inner monitor or think before texting/speaking seems to have vanished. I simply can't be bothered being tactful right now. I don't want to leave the house. I feel like everyone's eyes are constantly on me. I feel like the elephant in the room....which isn't far from the truth as far as I'm concerned. For someone who had pretty severe Social Anxiety right from 11 years old to mid twenties, these things are a big deal. I like to be invisible. I like to go about my day and not be noticed. I like to not be the topic of conversation. It is honestly, extremely disconcerting to suddenly find that I am public property.

Physically, things are tougher, walking is harder, and much slower than it should be. Sleeping with less than three pillows under my head makes the blood pound in my skull regardless of which way I am sleeping. Leg cramps can wake me biting back a scream, and the pain lingers for days afterwards. Sometimes baby kicks so hard, I actually worry that my skin can't possibly hold it in any longer.

I delayed getting pregnant for ages because I was terrified of the labour and morning sickness. Turns out, the things that are bothering me most, aren't even things I had considered. I never thought about actually BEING pregnant. I'd worried about physical things, but hadn't even contemplated the mental strain.

Fair to say that I do have antenatal depression. Something I'd (stupidly) never even considered. I'd heard about postnatal depression, and been quite worried about that, but this? Washing and folding the baby clothes helps a bit. It lets me be a bit excited about what this hard work is leading up to. Perhaps I will start sleeping in the nursery to lift my mood. Oh, and we start antenatal classes tomorrow. That will hopefully be fun. In the meantime, here's a sad kitten.