10 things to never, ever say to a pregnant woman

There are many things that change when you are pregnant. Not just your body, your mindset, and your clothes. But also, apparently, the guidelines by which others are allowed to speak to you.

Below is a list of the ten weirdest, creepiest, and more than a little offensive and upsetting things that people feel OK saying to me since I got pregnant.

#10 Should you be eating that?

Now, this is offensive in two ways. Firstly, are you saying I'm fatter than I should be? Who gave you the right to judge anyway? And secondly, do you think I'm so heartless, that I don't think about what I'm eating almost constantly. Have you seen the list of foods to avoid when pregnant? Do you have any idea of the guilt trip placed upon pregnant women over eating almost everything from chicken, to subways to salad that hasn't been washed?! Back off.

#9 Hi Chubby

This was said in jest. He thought he was hilarious. I very nearly slapped him, but instead pointed out that I was unlikely to ever catch up to his stomach.

#8 How's the body holding up?

Said by another well-meaning man. But it's weird, and creepy. You don't, just don't ask a pregnant lady how the 'body' is holding up. What kind of answer are you after? A truthful one with all the gory details, "Not great actually, my back hurts, my boobs hurt, I pee when I cough, when I sneeze and when I laugh, I am waking up with leg cramps, and everything is aching 100% of the time. Oh, did you want to know about the constipation and haemorrhoids too?" I didn't think so. So just don't ask. 

#7 God, you're looking really pregnant today.

Thanks. I hadn't noticed. I certainly don't feel it. 

#6 But since you're pregnant, you're obviously NOT on antidepressants

I was so mad at this shop assistant that I fumed about this statement for the next two days. I wish that I'd said right there and then, "well actually, I am". The judgement in that one statement was astonishing. I'm sorry, I am taking medications for my sanity while pregnant. Yet, here I am in your health store clearly taking an interest in keeping myself and baby healthy. What do you make of that? Am I evil in your eyes now? Do you think me some kind of callous mother who only thinks of herself? Do you think I didn't spend months weighing up the pros and cons and researching EVERYTHING that could be found about taking this medication while pregnant???

Well fuck you too, lady.

#5 You're allowed to look bigger, you're pregnant.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but really, you're not. Now I just feel fat for a reason.

#4 The more you gain now, the harder it is to lose later!

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to remember that when I've been thinking of nothing but cheeseburgers for 36 hours straight. Or when I'm so ravenously hungry I literally can't think straight. It's all about getting back in shape afterall. Thanks for reminding me.

#3 No, you definitely CANNOT drink

This debate has happened in front of me a number of times now. Mostly it happens when I mention how much I'd like a drink. I certainly never actually asked for one. I am in the 'don't risk it' camp at the moment, but I think that, like most things, the alcohol consumption in pregnancy thing is a personal choice. Forcing your opinion on me, particularly when you have a glass of merlot in your hand, have never been pregnant, or (god forbid) are a GUY, is tantamount to saying "no, you cannot have an abortion, it's bad, you are a bad person if you do that", and then turning back to your child free life and ignoring the fact that you have kids you simply never see.

#2 You should be excited

I am excited. Are you kidding? I'm also in constant discomfort, have become some sort of magnet for people to stare at, am not sleeping and feel ugly and disgusting. Sorry that my excitement isn't showing through for you at every possible moment.

#1 Surely you can't have THAT long to go, you're HUGE!

Just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean telling me I'm huge is a compliment. Would you say that to someone who wasn't pregnant? Why do you think saying it to a pregnant woman is going to have any less of a negative effect? I go home each day feeling more and more self conscious about how I am looking, precisely because of comments like this. Mostly they come from men. Bastards.

Grumpy Cat

I've pretty much decided this week, that being pregnant, is the worst thing ever.

Yes, I am aware that is a selfish, nasty, ungrateful thing to say.That there are plenty of people far worse of than me, so how can I be so naive and cruel! But I never said that I wasn't any of those things. I am very aware that society dictates that I should feel happy, glowing, lucky and like something miraculous is occurring within me. A new life is being created! I am a vessel producing a miracle! Everything is going OH SO WELL!

Well, sorry world. That is not how I feel.
For three weeks now, all I have wanted, is to take a break from being pregnant. To step off this train for just a minute, and catch my breath. To lie on my stomach. To eat something without feeling like the devil. To be able to lift things without everyone around me crying 'NO!' To go for a run. To walk somewhere without being asked 'when are you due?' To wear normal clothes. To get myself out of a chair without having to roll out. To stop having to tell people how I'm feeling. To walk without needing to pee constantly.

Yes, everything is going normally.
Yes, a lot of people would be so happy to be in my position.
Yes, we had no trouble getting pregnant. Yay for us! But to be honest, getting pregnant was fun. I feel like we were robbed of time spent 'trying'. It happened insanely fast. I thought we'd have ages to get prepared.

I want to skip forward three months. I want the baby to be here. I am sick of feeling like I'm harbouring an alien. Watching my tummy move when I'm trying to relax is weird. Waking up to leg cramps is really not fun.

I want control of my body again. I want to see the baby in it's bassinet. To put it in it's bouncer. To watch it sleeping. To take it for walks. To hold it. Sing to it. To finally hold it and get to know it. To go on family holidays with it.

I am a horrible, horrible person. I can sense the backlash already.
But this is my reality. And I'm not apologising for how I feel.
Deal with it.

How Many People Does It Take To Fold Down A Stroller?

Today will forever go down in history, as the day of the stroller incident.

We had some money saved. We needed a stroller. Put two and two together, today we shall buy a stroller!
We had a fair idea of what we wanted/needed in one by now, nothing like those early days of buggy panic in baby city. We wanted a 3 wheeled one, that could go on outdoorsy walks, that could reverse the seat so we could see baby, that reclined in multiple positions to fit baby as it grew, that had storage space and an adjustable handle - a must for tiny me -, that was in our budget (roughly $300) and most of all, one that was simple to use.

Seeing a department store was having another wonderful sale, we decided casually that we would check out their baby range. I had a baby brained moment and almost walked into a wall before getting on the wrong escalator, but we did manage to safely make it into the well stocked baby department.

So much to see!
"Look at this!" "Oh this is cute!" "I hope someone will buy this for us!" "What is this for?"
We were immediately sucked off track, looking at tiny clothes and hats and nappy bins, even a high chair appeared in the mix...although I don't know how.

It took a while for us to refocus on our ultimate goal. STROLLER!
They had a good range in here, and we started pulling some out to play with. Some had awesome adjustable handles, but no reversing seat. Others had everything we wanted, but four wheels not three. Then we saw it.

The magical stroller of our dreams.

It literally had everything we needed.

And at 40% off - we could even afford it!

We started to play with it. Within minutes we had figured out how to adjust the handles, recline the seat, remove the seat, reverse the seat, lock the wheels and attach the rain cover. All without having to look at the instructions. It was perfect!

That is,

 until we tried to collapse it.

For ten minutes we tried every button, pully, lever, twisty nob, non twisty nob, slidey thing that we could find. Nothing worked. The stroller was still fully open.

I buzzed a handily placed buzzer for assistance. She (hereafter store clerk 1) came to our aid super speedily, but alas, was also unable to figure it out despite having even turned it upside down.

Without missing a beat, SC1 called the store manager. Because (as she eloquently put it), managers know everything.

This proved inaccurate however, as 15 minutes later, neither the manager nor SC1 had succeeded in collapsing the stroller. I found this all highly amusing, as both Husband and I stood watching this now high level drama unfold before our eyes. It was clear that they weren't going to give up until they had succeeded in collapsing this god damn stroller! ('scuse my language)

Before long, we had four store clerks, a still in it's box buggy, and it's accompanying instruction booklet   , all working like crazy people to collapse it. But all to NO AVAIL!

That was about when they realised that the stroller and instruction manual they had gone to great effort to bring out of the back room was in fact...not for the stroller we were now desperately trying to dissemble. A similar model yes, but just different enough to have FOOLED US ALL!

Cue - 3 store clerks, one manager, one now beat up display model, one opened and incorrect model buggy and now the correct model still in it's box, complete with instructions on how to collapse.

Which we then discovered, where in fact on the side of the stroller.

But (thankfully) which still didn't help us.

So none of us felt too bad.


All up, it took an hour for all 6 of us to figure out how to collapse the child transporter. I couldn't stop giggling at the ridiculousness of it all. Even hubby was grinning. He managed to set up and collapse the 'in the box' model multiple times with ease. I had a go, and also had little trouble. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. I mentioned that it's a good thing we weren't mystery shoppers, but that they were pretty lucky that they had got a whole hours worth of paid training with real life customers, and that I had now become so bonded with the stroller, I could hardly leave the store without buying it!

The store clerks (who asked to remain nameless) were extremely relieved, all grinning, and no doubt keen for a lunch break after all that - perhaps even some wine (or something stronger).  I was feeling like after all that, I should probably go buy them all lunch!

So we bought it.
But I am keeping the receipt!

And that, dear readers, is the answer to the question.
It takes 6 people to put down a display model stroller.
But only one to put down the in the box model.