Giving Up, or Moving On?

I spent the whole day waiting to see the psychologist.
Finally, I would be able to speak to someone who wasn't a nurse. I would be able to try and make sense of what was going on. I would be able to come up with a plan that would see me getting out of here.

The anticipated 2pm appointment time came and went, and at ten minutes past, I asked a nurse who told me to just wait, the psychologist was probably still with someone and they would come and get me when they were ready.

At 2:30 they still hadn't come to get me, so I went again. It was a nurse changeover time and so no one was really paying any attention to the fact that I was standing anxiously outside their station wondering if I should ask about the appointment or just leave it be. Eventually, I had to ask to get through the coded door which separates in from outpatients and after knocking on my psychologists door and getting no answer, I caught an outpatient psychologist on her way between rooms, who told me that my psychologist was in fact away today as she was sick.

That was the end.

I am being dramatic as usual, catastrophising no doubt, also. But it really was, for me, the final straw.

After nearly three weeks in this place - nothing planned day to day, walking the same well trodden hospital halls, letting someone know when I'll be back, where I'm going, feeling anxious about which nurse is going to come through your door next, and wether you are breaking yet another rule you didn't know about - having the one thing I had been looking forward to (and feeling in desperate need of), cancelled without warning, really did break me.

Once again, I started to pack up my room.

I am home now. I honestly believe I wont (I cant) be back there again.
I felt this way about stopping the respiridone, an incredibly strong compulsion inside telling me 'stop', telling me 'this isn't making you better anymore'. Technically, I am only on a night leave tonight, and I have to go back in tomorrow for the night. But I really don't feel good about it. I believe that ward can no longer help me, they were there when I really needed them, but now I am only going to get better from home. We are starting to put things in place to help me stay well. We have learnt a lot about me and our new family in the past few weeks.

I have learnt that I am stubborn.
I have learnt that I really love and need the outdoors.
I have learnt that I am defensive.
I have learnt that I can stand up for myself.
I have learnt that I don't like being told what to do.
I have learnt that I really enjoy working.
I have learnt that I am terrible at being 'wrong'.
I have learnt that it is OK to not be cut out for full on stay-at-home-motherhood.
I have also learnt, that I am possibly the worst candidate for a hospital stay.

Don't you dare tell me I've become my father.

source: http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/i-may-not-always-be-right-but-i-am-never-wrong/