Midnight Panic

I don't know which blog to write this on, so I'm going to put it in both.

I am awake now. Completely awake.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Baby is kicking up a storm, and has been for the past few hours now. I was finally drifting off to sleep, when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.
My heart was beating just a little too hard.
My gut was feeling just a little too twisty.
My shoulders were getting just a little too tense.
I couldn't breathe right.
I was too hot.

I was about to Panic.

Normally, I try and make these blogs somewhat humorous, but right now, I just can't think how.
I tried to calm myself down without getting out of bed. But it wasn't working, everything was geting worse. I was starting to feel on the verge of being very ill, that the next step was going to be huddled in the bathroom.

I don't know what it is. Or why it's happening again. Luckily I didn't fall asleep. Luckily I realised what was happening before it fully happened.

But now what. I'm up. I'm tired. I'm scared to go back to bed, because it's all lingering in the back of my mind.

My heart is still beating too hard.
My stomach still doesn't feel right.
Maybe I have food poisoning?

I don't even know what I'm most worried about, what has brought this on?

I can't go through with this pregnancy?
I am so embarrassed about how I look. I can't remember anything. Everyone is looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks I'm too big. Everyone is judging everything I eat. I can't relax. I can't believe there is a living thing inside me. I can't make it stop. I have absolutely no control over it. I have no say anymore. I am trapped. I want this to be over. I want the baby to be here. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want a drink to calm me down. I want my body back. I want to be me again.


Putting on this show?
I don't feel we're ready to go ahead with the show. Everything is taking too long. Surely we should have run it a few times by now. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so many people on board. It's all blowing out of control. Out of proportion. Much bigger than it needs to be. There's more to do than I had originally intended for. This wasn't what I had planned. I don't know my words. I can't act. It's going to look lame. It's going to be awful. I'll let everyone down. I've built it up too much. What if I freak out too much and can't do it after all. Why did I even do this to begin with? I have too much on. I have too much to think about. I want it all to stop.

I don't feel any better yet.
I'm scared this is going to keep getting worse. Maybe it won't even stop when baby gets here.
I want to get off this ride now.

No Going Back

Today, it hit me.
I can't stop this.

I literally, no matter what happens, can not, get off, this train.

With only 4 weeks to go of the second trimester, and things getting a bit uncomfortable, suddenly everything is too close. Too soon. Too major. Too scary. Just....TOO!

Needless to say, narrowly averted a panic attack in the staff room, as other mums laughed and jovially told me that there was no going back, and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life.

Cue, loosen scarf, fan face, shake tingles out of hands.

It's ok little hamster baby. We will do this together!

Getting Resentful - (a pregnant rant)

It's true.
Right now, there is very little that isn't making me very angry. Hateful even.
Quite frankly. I have become an angry, bitchy, whinging, tearful monster.

I quote the huggies website for week 21:

"Try to take some time every day, just to enjoy your pregnancy. This is a time when the early discomforts have (hopefully) settled, but the baby isn’t so big it’s causing you to be really uncomfortable. You could feel yourself in love with the world, a sense of well-being infusing every pore. Alternately, you could just be feeling fat and a little fed up. You may find you have a very short fuse when it comes to tolerating others and find yourself irritated by the smallest things. Make the time to exercise which will help your body release endorphins, those feel good hormones."

Exercise 

Well, it's clear which group I'm part of, and they suggest 'exercise' will help.  That 'swimming is ideal'. Huh! Really? Have they tried fitting into a pair of togs lately? Or even figuring out the best way to shave your legs (without a) crushing the baby or b) falling over or c) finding yourself unable to stand back up) in order to respectably don any type of swimming outfit? Not to mention the extreme self consciousness that comes with looking like a baby whale. Hey, lets just make it more obvious, and jump into the pool! Find my distant relations and swim off into oblivion!


I want to exercise, I really do. But when it comes to the end of the day, I am far too exhausted to do anything. The other day, I even did what I swore as a beginning teacher I would never do. I put on a video for my class, because I was simply to tired to teach them anything.

Other People

Particularly men, seem oblivious to the fact that comments you would never say to us when we aren't pregnant, are not suddenly ok to say just because we are.

I am a very short person. Therefore, apparently I look much more pregnant that I actually am. I am only just over half way there, therefore I anticipate that I am going to be pretty much rolling everywhere I go in the not too distant future.

I AM AWARE OF THIS!

Calling me 'chubby' is not ok.

Saying 'it's ok that you're big, you're pregnant', does not make me feel better.

'You're only big in your belly' just makes me want to slap you.

Telling me 'you look like you swallowed a basket ball', is doing yourself no favours.

At least, I'm managing to avoid the tummy touching at the moment...most of those who know me seem to have been forewarned. 

Work

There is just way too much stuff to go into here.

I am on overload! I only officially work one part time job. That is essentially 16 hours of work a week. Or so my pay cheque will tell you. 

But, as any teacher will you, this is a lie. I do not work a mere 16 hours a week. No teacher does. I have 180 reports to write, 16 hours of lessons to plan a week, marking and photocopying to do for each class, not too mention the two hours of extra curricular choir rehearsals I run, a major musical performance evening coming up, as well as the half hour of duty I am supposed to do each week. So, I get paid for 16, but essentially work at least 30 in my official part time job.

Of course, lets not forget that I am also planning the giant interschool choir festival. Which was my own monster that I created last year. People really loved it, and now it must continue. However, I have no funding, can't afford to pay anyone, and therefore am acting as director, secretary, media spokesperson, school liason, presenter liason, marketing and communications all by myself for free. This week, I put in 6-10 hours of work in my own time to get this thing up and running, recruit people to run workshops, and write up and send out giant information packs to all the schools taking part. I have some help from others, but they are all very busy also.

And finally, this second baby monster I have created....my grand scheme to make a performance opportunity for myself in order to not let this years goals go to waste. The wonderful cabaret. It's fun, it's exciting, I think about it all the time. I have applied for rights, found the venue, found everyone who is involved, created the first ideas script, and sorted out advertising. But now someone has pulled out...and it's suddenly become very stressful. 

So - there you go. 

I bring it on myself. So what can I expect.

But I am still mad.

Dad's

Dad's have it easy as far as I can see. They get a baby without any hard work really. They can take a week or two off work and then go back, knowing that they aren't needed because Mum is the feeding machine. They get time off to go and interact with adults on a daily basis. They get to continue all their favourite pastimes while Mum is pregnant. As far as I can see right now, their lives actually don't get disrupted all that much. 

I know that I am probably completely wrong, but that's what I've been thinking this week, and it makes me MAD.

The Baby

And yet, with all this going on, all I want to do is think about the baby. I just want to make up the room. I just want to stay home with it and not go back to work. I just want it to get here so that I can say 'hi, little one'.

I just want someone to come and say - "it's all good, take a rest and feel baby move some more. Everything's under control and everything will be fine. I'll take it from here."

But in today's modern world, and with my own over ambitiousness, lets be honest. Who gets to do that?

A Week of Weird

I'm at 21 weeks now, but apparently I am lying about that.
I know this, because during this week, four different teachers told me (in a variety of ways) that I looked much further along than I say I am.
Some of the best comments:
"You're only 21 weeks? Shouldn't you still be able to hide it?"
"You aren't due till september? You look like you've swallowed a basketball!"
And a beauty I heard second hand from students, "Miss is pregnant? I knew it! The rest of the class just thought she was really really fat."

These harmless comments, which were probably forgotten about the instant the perpetrators uttered them, have been my downfall this week.

On wednesday morning, I couldn't find a single thing to wear, everything made me look huge, I couldn't find anything that fitted. I was heading towards a disintegrating meltdown when Husband calmly directed me to 'go do my teeth' while he endeavoured to hunt for my one pair of pregnancy pants. In the end, I went to school in my stretchy gym pants and a t-shirt. Cleverly disguised as work pants with a nice jersey. Still, I spent all day worried that I looked enormous, and that every single person was sizing me up. Even today I was asked the wonderful question "Are you absolutely positive you are not having twins?"

On Tuesday I felt my first Braxton Hicks Contraction. It was really weird, I was just walking along, and then my tummy seized up. It didn't hurt, but I had to stop walking for a minute until it relaxed again. My midwife says these don't normally happen till later, but the google machine tells me a different story, and made me feel normal. So I am sticking with google for now.

Bubs is kicking and moving around a lot, still not strong enough to be felt on the outside, much to Husbands disappointment, nevertheless, I really enjoy feeling it, which is surprising, because for as long as I can remember, I have just expected that I would hate it. That it would feel alien and weird, and awful. I was actually really nervous about feeling it, but now that's all changed. I love it, I can sit for ages with my hand on the bump just waiting for the next one.

I am taking tomorrow off school, as I am absolutely exhausted. The discomfort of not being able to find a comfy position to sleep, the heartburn, the infrequent but painful round ligament pain, the swollen ankles and body that is already 7kg heavier than it was 5months ago, let alone the mood swing train, is taking it's toll in a big way right now.

At least I have my little kicker to keep me company! Maybe she'll be a soccer star!

Baby Registry!

OH YEAH! I forgot to put it last week, and this week, and in the last post...so now it gets it's own post!
Should you feel so inclined, do check out our baby registry (some of the things are cheaper at baby factory....but they dont have a registry option). There is a link right to it on the right of the page, right at the top!

Half way downsides, upsides, and insides

It's official, from now on, my little app counters 'weeks to go' will be less than the 'weeks completed'!!

I was told at the start that the second trimester would be the best, that I'd have amazing hair and lots of energy, that I'd be happy and excited and everything would pretty much be like dancing in a crystal lake with singing baby unicorns covered with rainbow swirls.

"NAWWWWWWWW!"


That was a lie.

I am told by the odd person that I am glowing. If that's true, then my body is doing some weird camouflage trick whereby it is hiding the inner ugliness extremely well. I'm not sure what the evolutionary point of this would be, however.


For the past couple of months I have been prone to getting very overwhelmed, crying at inappropriate times, and for what seems like very little reason. This isn't the case though - there is a lot on my mind! I am worried about labour, finances, work situation, my mental state before and after baby gets here. On top of that, there is work, reports, interviews, I am putting on a show, and a festival and something else probably that I don't even know about!!!! Sigh, at least it's keeping me distracted from the pregnancy a little bit.

Baby brain is reaching new, unexplored heights. I am actually a little concerned that I may not remember anything or anyone very soon.

For the past month, I have been loosing about 3 times more hair than normal every time I shower/brush/straighten, or indeed do anything to it in an attempt to feel pretty. This concerns me somewhat, as I was informed that women in fact lost LESS hair while pregnant....

In the past week I have been whacked in the face (or oesophagus) with the worst heartburn I've ever had! I am now having to sleep in a semi upright position, which is interesting. Apparently this is because baby is now making it's presence really known, and all my insides are getting squished up to make room. Yummy.

Yesterday I had my first experience of round ligament pain. That is, short, stabby pains in your lower abdomen. I'm not sure what the point of them is, but they can really make you catch your breath and freeze up. Worst thing is that they happen frequently, and quickly, and over and over again.


On the upside though, we went and bought baby some storage shelves for her room, and also some really bold coloured storage baskets to fit in the shelves. It looks fantastic, and it was so nice to put some of the things we have collected for her into them. Rather than leaving them in the cot.

And the even better news is? I can now sometimes feel the kicks with my hand! I started feeling the movements very very early, at about 15 weeks. But everyone told me it was very unlikely, and to be honest, made me feel pretty rubbish about it. But I know now that I WAS feeling kicks, because those little flutters have simply got stronger, and two days ago I put my hand on my bump and felt it move on the outside. It was the best thing ever!

THE BIG REVEAL!

And she says, "Hello World! Look at my awesome hand!"

Boy or Girl...

In exactly two hours, we will (hopefully) be told wether we are having a boy, or a girl.

I am currently riding a wee emotional rollercoaster, this morning I was super calm. I drove to the midwife, realised that I'd forgotten my folder, turned back for it, realised that that would make me 15 minutes late, so turned around again. Chatted happily with my midwife, did pee test for UTI's, glucose and protein, heard the heartbeat again - it was much louder and stronger this time, so my 'what if' attacks have no ground at this point, baby is definitely still there. I haven't harmed it with my flying panic attacks, or having too hot a bath, or lying on my back, side, front, or eating a tiny bit of blue cheese. I also got a medical certificate to verify that I am in fact pregnant, so that I can apply for maternity leave. I left feeling excited and energetic and impatient to get the big scan over with.

A mere hour later I am now on the verge of tears after reading some articles about people giving birth, living with babies, and being pregnant. Not scared tears though, just emotional ones. A lot of things are setting me off lately, it seems it doesn't take much at all, a picture of a cute baby hedghog. A beautiful song. Going to my first pregnancy yoga class and talking to other mums to be, realising that I am normal. I can hardly think straight, I keep forgetting things which shouldn't be so hard to remember.  All I can think about is, 'is it a girl or a boy'?

I'm so excited, I feel like, once we know what sex it is, we can start naming it, and planning properly and that everything will feel even more real than it already is. I don't know why though, as it's already pretty real, and it wouldn't make a difference what we were having, we would still plan the same. But there it is, I have set myself off again!