Searching for Faith

For a long time now, I've found myself becoming increasingly jealous of my christian friends.

They always seemed so...happy.

While I was floundering about in a confused daze of 'what the hell is going on in my life', they all seemed to have life sorted, they had 'the big guy' to fall back on, they had faith and they had answers to their questions.

I wanted that too. I wanted the security of knowing that everything had a reason. I wanted to be assured that I was never alone. I wanted to know that someone always had my back.

But I just didn't believe like they did.

I couldn't just 'accept' like they did.

I would ask questions of them, in an attempt to understand a little better what their secret was. Sometimes they answered me as best as they could, sometimes they got defensive, many times even offended by my often relentless inquiry.

How do you know he's real? How do you talk to Him? Do you really hear Him speaking? Can't you see that you have been brainwashed? Why does He let all the bad stuff happen if He is so good? Aren't you just burying your head in the sand, ignoring what is really going on in life?

I would sometimes mention in passing to my Husband - "I think we should become Christian." As if it  could happened, just like that. "We should start going to church again." I would say.

He would ask, why?

I would answer with a shrug, "Because they are so happy. I want that."

But I had too many questions. Too much cynism. Too much fear after watching what my sister went through. How cut off from our family she became. How little we all understood her, feared for her, feared for US if we lost her.

But then I hit my lowest ebb. And, as many of have and will do, I had nowhere left to turn. I was begging for help of a power I did not know.

But something responded. Something spoke back. Something took me to a church, brought my sister to me when I needed her the most. Something showed me that even with the tiny grain of desire for faith that I had, I could find a way through that darkness.

Months on from that fall, I am still trying to find my way. I am going to church and listening to the ministry. I am asking the same questions and searching for the same answers, but now, I am open to hearing the replies.