Top 5 things I learnt last year

Well, it's the start of a new year, and that calls for a quick post.

Little Bean, it's been a hell of a journey. I say that quite literally, not gonna lie, but it's starting to become more fun now and I can even see (I can't believe I'm saying this), why people have more than one kid.

You said WHAT now?!

I learnt a heck of a lot last year, and find myself quite changed upon reflection. So I figured it would be prudent to record the five top changes and/or things I learnt during the course of last year - 2013.

• Before I had a baby, I was very afraid of vomit. Even the word would make me gag. The sight of babies drooling, spitting up, runny noses, or simply even the sound of someone gagging would be enough to set me off on a gag fest of my own. Now, I am regularly spat up on, vomited on multiple times a day, pooped on weekly (if I'm lucky) and frequently witness to epic projectiles, yet miraculously, I don't feel the slightest gag kick in anymore. WIN.

• Somehow, and I have no idea how this happens, you can actually get used to sleeping for just 2-3 hours at a time. Not just get used to it, but actually function on it. 

• You can have morning sickness and never actually be sick. You just feel like you are about to ALL the time. NB - if you are feeling like you are about to vomit, make sure you don't head for an alarmed exit. This is very embarrassing.

• Labour isn't the bit you should be scared about. Who knew. Although I'm not saying it wasn't scary. It's just that I didn't have time to think about how scary it was, and then it was all over. Also, episiotomy's are HUGE cuts, not little snips like I imagined. I see you squirming!

• Being open is incredibly important. Not only can it mean that you get the help you actually need, but in doing so you open up other people to share their experiences, and can bring people together. This has happened within my immediate and extended family through this blog. It's a shame it took so long and that people don't talk openly more, but without it, and the support that came with it, I don't know that I would have been as successful at getting through this year.

 2013 was the year of massive changes and overwhelming challenges. I challenged myself to face my anxiety head on, to perform live, to write songs, to become a better teacher, to become a mum. I started writing about all these things and my journey towards becoming a better me as a way to show others that they too can do it because I know I'm not the only 'anxious' person out there who wants more in their life.  I also didn't want my daughter to have a mum who limited herself. As a result of me documenting my journey, I have become more confident in myself, I have met new people and been privileged enough to have friends and strangers share their very personal stories with me. I faced two of my biggest fears last year and came through with greater understanding of who I am and who I can be and just how much I am truly capable of achieving. 

This year, is dedicated to my daughter. My goal is to keep writing, to get better at it, and to finish some of the novels I have started during my life and perhaps even get published somewhere. I am doing this for her, to show her that I can finish things, that I can see them through, and that it doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you are happy and content in yourself.

Happy 2014 everyone. 

Baby Proof Fence

As Little Bean begins to figure out that she can move herself around, I begin to notice the veritable death trap my house is. Granted, at the moment she can only push herself round in circles, but it wont be long before those circles become horizontal across floor movement, which in no time will become vertical grabbing motions.

And so, I have begun to baby proof.

Luckily for me, I have a friend with a one year old who sometimes visits. These have become exercises in 'how fast can I move everything higher than 1m above ground level', now executed with almost military precision. I say almost because on christmas day I had done an excellent job of clearing all the surfaces of everything. My house looked pristine and very, very safe for children. That was until said one year old arrived, and promptly headed straight for the plate of nibbles I had festively placed on the coffee table.

I have never seen a scorched almond vanish so quickly.

Needless to say, this one year old was in no hurry to spit out such a delectable treat, and so ensued a somewhat farcical series of 'spit it out love', 'don't run with food in your mouth' and 'it's ok, if we need to I know how to do the heimlich manouvere' (which of course I did, years ago. I'm not convinced I could have performed it now, and I'm not even sure that you are supposed to do it on a one year old).

Lesson learnt. Scorched almonds are not safe for children.

I also hold out little hope that we will have a christmas tree next year. Apparently all those shiny decorations are simply too good to resist.

To everyone who gave me warehouse vouchers for christmas. Little Bean and I thank you. They have been spent on latches for cupboards, safety cabels to stop flat screen tvs tipping over, plastic floor mats for under high chairs, electric socket protectors and cute things to stop doors slamming on fingers. We also have a new entertainment unit thanks to Trademe, which ensures that the spaghetti junction of cables required to keep our lounge running, are all safely tucked out of toddler's reach.

Now I just need to figure out where to put all our liquor...

A Christmas Letter

Dear Little Bean,

This will be your first Christmas ever, and we are so excited. We haven't got you a present, as we don't think you'd really care, and we should probably save that money for a high chair as you are growing and learning SO fast, that we almost can't keep up!

This time last year you were a thought in my head, an idea that sparked such excitement in me that I was already starting to dream about you. I knew you were there before I even found out I was pregnant because I dreamt about you. I asked you what we should call my mum, and you said "Nana Ali." In my dream I said 'A-, That's a great name," and when I rang Nana Ali the next day to tell her, she said "that's funny, 'cos that's the exact name I came up with yesterday."

We've had a rough start you and I. I wish I could do the beginning of your life all over again and make it better for both of us. I would tell the delivery theatre doctors to leave you be, to not take you away from me the minute you were born. I would hold you and tell them to leave you alone. I would figure out a way to stay by your side in the NICU ward, and I wouldn't let them tell me to not stroke your tiny hand. but I can't. So instead I am focussing on making your future the best that I can.

I wish I could protect you from all that world is going to throw at you. I wish I could keep you hidden from it's horrors forever. I wish that I could guarantee that you will never have to feel the pain of a school yard fist, or the sting of a bullying remark, or the tears of a broken heart. I pray that you don't feel the same anxiety I did as a teenager and I hope that I can be the role model you need me to be in order to become strong enough to deal with life's struggles. But I can't promise any of that. All I can do is promise that I will be there with you for it all. I will catch you when you fall and I will always pick you back up. I only hope I can give you the life you deserve.

Little Bean, you have changed me in ways I can't even describe. I used to be anxious all the time about what people thought of me, about death and pain, about me failing. But that changed the moment you were born. I still worry about what people think of me, but I care less about it. I don't freak out about performing because I want to show you that I am not scared and neither should you be. I fear death only because I am worried about what will happen to you if I am not around, and rather than worried that I will fail and embarrass myself, I worry that I will fail you most of all.

This christmas you are nearly 4 months old.  You smile and coo, and are about to laugh any day now. You are just learning to roll over and to grasp at toys. You still wake 2-3 times a night and you don't like to sleep during the day. You love bath time and you love singing with me and Daddy. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I will love you for every single second of it. Probably you won't read this letter for many, many years, but when you do, believe me when I say that all this will still be true.

Love,
Mummy

Learning

Recently a blog has been circulating my Facebook circle, regarding what are good presents for childless people to buy for their friends kids, and what are not. As I read it, I found myself nodding my head at every single item...both because I had received these items and understood why not to give them, and also (strangely) because only months ago, I myself had gifted these exact items to friends with all the best of intentions.

CRAZY!

As we are now in the final two weeks of the year 2013, I find myself reflecting back on what an intense year it has been for our little family, and at the same time, suddenly realising just how much I have changed and learnt during the course of it.

So, in typical me fashion, I figured I'd blog about it!

The 2013 List of Things I Learnt About...

...BABY CLOTHES
The cuter the outfit, the less likely it is to be worn.

This goes for both baby and mum. Cute cotton baby dresses with frilly bits and gorgeous buttons that go UP THE BACK??? May look to-die-for on the rack, and believe me, you would rather die than attempt to put that on a baby and then have them wear it for a day. They end up under their armpits for the most part, nappies on display all day, buttons up the back are a nightmare to do on a baby that can't even sit up yet, let alone undoing them for the numerous changes you WILL have to endure because of spit up, leaking nappies, or just general wetness. Give me a onesie that has domes ONLY on the crotch, and is made of jersey fabric any day over a dress. Shove some cute pants over it, put on some socks and tuck those pants into the socks and you're set!

...PREGNANCY

It Sucks.

Even now, I am often confronted by Mums' who say things like 'don't you wish you could be pregnant again, just so you can have a break?'

Honestly? No. No, I do not. Pregnancy was painful, gross, tiring and just awful in every way. There was literally nothing I enjoyed about being pregnant. But there is plenty I like about being a Mum.

...CHILDBIRTH

Was a breeze compared to what came after.

You recall how I spent all that time freaking out about labour during the year? Well, mummies, I have learnt my lesson. Labour was awful, excruciating and terrifying, but at least it was definitely going to end, and with the epidural, I even managed to escape it for a while. The weeks immediately after giving birth are far, far worse. Physically, mentally, and emotionally extreme. In fact, I would do labour all over again if it meant I was spared those first few weeks....well the lack of sleep bits anyway. Which incidentally, is the majority of it.

...THE MUMMY CLUB CONSPIRACY

Those happy mums and gorgeous photos of happy families on facebook - It's only a glimpse of reality.

Sure, that status may say they are 'so in love', and that picture of the smiling baby is 'so adorable'. But that's only half the truth. Yes, they love the baby, but that doesn't mean they always like the baby. You try 'liking' a crying baby at 3am when you have literally done everything you can think of to calm them, and you haven't slept in 20 hours. Most parents only post the good times. Which in turn adds to the general opinion of childless people that babies are always awesome, and being a parent is easy.

...SLEEP

I can survive on much less than I ever thought possible.

I remember the days where I got 8 hours.....IN A ROW!! 

*Cue manic laughter*

I have nothing more to say on that topic.


...MY BABY
Is the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. EVER.
Sure, I don't get much sleep, and I usually am only guessing at what she is wanting. But recently she has started having these awesome baby conversations with me, and smiling these amazing smiles. I think she really likes me! Which makes my heart glow brighter. I never get tired of her smiles, and I am so excited to know what her laugh sounds like, wether she's left or right handed, what her favourite food is, what song does she like the most, what does she sound like when she talks.....The future is a veritable feast of new discoveries and I can't wait.

My Bald Baby

My Baby Girl has a lot of hair.

Super Cute Little Bean

Good. Now that that's out of the way I feel I can move on with my life.

Me in Paris

No!

Apparently I CAN NOT move on with my life, no more than I can claim that the above photo was taken in Sweet Paris. Nope, not until I have been alerted to the unusual amount of hair on her head by, oh I don't know, how 'bout

Every.

Single. 

Person.

Here are some things people have suggested I say, as a way to make it more interesting for myself.

Typical interaction.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Yes, she does have rather a lot."

Suggested interactions.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "It's a wig."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Yeah, can't wait for it to get a bit longer so I can cut it into a mullet to match her daddy. At least, we think that's her daddy, the other guy was bald so..."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "Really? Oh, now that you mention it..."

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: "What? OMG I took the wrong baby AGAIN!"

What I enact in my head.

Stranger/acquaintance: "Look at all that hair!"

Me: *cue manic laughter and something synonymous with a stabbing motion*

So yes, my 13 week old Little Bean looks like a tiny adult already, and receives an awful lot of attention. I've managed to master the art of keeping moving and nodding politely whilst muttering said curse under my breath, but some women (and yes it is almost always women) are un-seemingly persistent. Apparently blind to the unfriendly (and often downright hostile) body language, and deaf to the not so subtle tones of 'leave me alone'. 

And so ends, the entry of the Little Bean with lots of hair and the *cough* semi insane mother.