The Post Titled Either - Carried away on a tide of hormones, OR - Crazy Pregnant Lady Sings At the Top of her lungs whilst crying (and it was pathetic)

Yesterday was a bad day.

Pretty much that sums it up perfectly, but I suppose you readers might need a little more info.
Lets start at the top.

Firstly, I had a fight with my husband about going home for easter weekend and spending the whole time travelling between family's houses. Notably, he wanted to see his parents, I did not. Clearly, I was not about to compromise.

Secondly, I cried all the way to school, where upon I nearly vomited in front of my students, before proceeding to apologise and run for the exit, only to open the door and set off the library alarms. Cue, much laughter from students, one bright red, dry heaving teacher.

Not a happy start so far. But that was just the beginning.

Continued to dry heave every half hour for the next three hours. Then the zip on my last pair of fitting black trousers BROKE. Luckily for me, I was wearing a long top. However I wasn't happy about having to teach a bunch of 13 year olds drama without my pants done up. Thankfully, I am pretty talented, and was able to act like nothing was the matter (and they will NEVER know).

Finally, I drove home, still feeling like I was going to puke. Got home, realised I'd left my wallet AND my drink bottle at school.

Climbed into my pyjamas (at 1.30pm), turned on some very loud, VERY EMOTIONAL music, and proceeded to sing at the top of my choked up, pathetically miserable voice while bawling at the injustice of that certain career in show business that I will now NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO FULFIL!

Seriously though - this was meant to be the year where I auditioned for everything and really started giving it a real go to make a career in singing. My Husband is still auditioning and acting and doing fun stuff like that. He's equally as responsible for this baby. So how is that fair?

What were we thinking???

A sharp, very confident rap on the door awoke us this morning at the ungodly pre-baby saturday morning time of 8am.

A courier. With a parcel!

From.....China??

Once I managed to break into the box, we were rather amazed to find a baby monitor (complete with night vision, LCD screen, wireless capabilities and two way intercom system), along with a baby doppler heart beat listener thingy.

But who on earth sent them? We certainly didn't know the chinese name listed on the customs ticket, nor had we ordered anything from anywhere at all. A little bit of sleuthing followed, mostly with the clues - who knows me by my married name, and who loves gadgets? In this wonderful day of the internet, the mysterious present givers were uncovered in a matter of minutes. Thank you, wonderful honorary grandparents, what a great start to the day!

Unfortunately, thats where it ended.

Having got paid this week, I was super excited to go shoe shopping for my rapidly growing feet, as well as potentially decking out the baby room. Yep, in my head, it was going to be that fast, and that simple. I should have learnt that lesson by now, shopping has never been, and never will, be something I am good at.

I got the shoes (and this GREAT pair of slippers which will no doubt ensure I am taken seriously at all times) with little problem, 

and then proceeded to the giant Babycity store.

OH, GOOD, LORD!

Where on earth, do you start. Cots are not just cots. They have levels, colours, ratings, different features, brands, some have mobiles attached, some convert into toddler beds, some have extensions, others have 'sleigh' ends. Car seats....don't even get me started. I stood staring at the wall in a somewhat disorientated daze. Do we need a capsule, a convertible car seat, a seat with a three point harness, one that reclines? Do we need to be able to clip it into a travel thing, or are we after something we can remove from the car? Bottles, breast pumps, breast pads, diaper disposals and cute little brightly coloured feeding utensils swarmed before me in a kaleidoscopic fury. Whilst push chairs, strollers, mountain buggys and convertible strollers with cup holders and ipod chargers (I may have imagined that one) were all jostling for my attention.

Buy me! You NEED me! Look here! Look there! You will NOT SURVIVE without us!

You have NO idea what you are doing!!

Before I walked in, my head was full of cot buying excitement. Tiny bottles were swirling around my brain, and I could barely contain my excitement at the thought of the cute peter rabbit branded blankets we could come out with. But now I was suddenly overwhelmed, intimidated even. I had no idea what I needed, or why I had even thought I could possibly walk into a baby shop at all. Should we be buying anything? How do we know what (if anything) we might be getting as gifts? Suddenly I realised I was hungry. I had to pee (again). Where was my husband?!

On the way home, I had a wee tantrum in the car, while stopped at the lights, with the window down. Something along the lines of "Why didn't I listen to myself when we were thinking of having kids. You knew nothing! At least I knew what we were going to be up against. This is awful! I'm so hungry! I already look five months pregnant! I'm going to BE A WHALE!"

The somewhat older than us couple in the next car thought it was hilarious, which then made me laugh, which quickly turned into the first (of three) set of tears on the way home. 

We stopped at mcdonalds. Baby wanted a cheese burger apparently. I bought a big mac combo and a cheeseburger, and practically inhaled the cheeseburger. NEVER has a cheeseburger tasted so good. Husband laughed at me and offered to drive. But dammit - we were in MY car. 

Well, finally we got home, and I am wearing my slippers (oh happy days). Although it is warm. We have decided to have a good look on online auctions - we think we have found a real possible winner of a cot (with all the bedding) which closes in ....42 minutes! I should probably get back to being a ninja bidder then!

Here is our happy announcement photo we used to make this ordeal 'facebook public' :) enjoy!

Hands Off!

Just a note.
No woman I have ever met, likes having her tummy touched.
Not by family, not by friends, and not by strangers!
I don't know why this changes for some women when they are pregnant, but it hasn't changed for me!

Besides, at just about 13 weeks, I am somewhat offended that I am 'showing' at all.  I've spent years trying to hide my tummy, get rid of it, dress it up so it's disguised, and now what? I'm supposed to just be ok with it? Just like that?!

I don't think so.

I may well be in denial, but I don't think the belly I currently have is a baby bump. It's certainly not 'cute' as people are suddenly claiming. Pretty sure it's just a result of having to constantly eat to avoid throwing up. So telling me I am showing already, feels pretty much the same as it did when people asked if I was pregnant BEFORE I was pregnant.

Basically, I need a t shirt that say "Yes. I'm Pregnant. No. You cannot touch it!"

SMILE! BREATHE! Quickly move on!

Little Bouncy Hamster

The Scan, in short, was amazing.
I was so nervous I couldn't eat much breakfast at all. Then I was struggling to drink the amount of water required to inflate my bladder in order to push the uterus into a position they could see it. So by the time we arrived - a whole half hour early - I was pretty sure they weren't going to see anything, even there was something to see. And it would be all my fault.

However, luck was in our favour! The 8am appointment never showed up, so at 8.10 we were ushered down a series of maze like corridors into a darkened room with a giant screen on the wall.

First thing I did? I looked around to see what I could possible throw up into should I get to that point.
(Threat checking again!!)

I lay down, exposed my tummy, and closed my eyes. Determined that if there was something wrong then I didn't want to see it, I just wanted to be let down gently.
My Husband gasped and said 'Oh Wow!'

Eyes open.

There it was. A teeny, tiny human creature larger than life on the screen before us.
We certainly didn't need training in radiography to be able to tell for ourselves, there was definitely a baby in there.

Not going to lie, there were tears from both of us. Laughter too as we watched baby jumping on the walls of my uterus as though it were a trampoline.

The radiographer was having a hard time trying to capture the images needed as the little monkey kept twisting and turning.

Two arms, two hands, ten fingers, two legs and feet, a head, a tiny beating heart. Everything was just where it should be.

At one point it rolled over and faced us, showing us it's terrifyingly alien like face at which we all cried 'roll back baby!"

After all that stress of the first 12 weeks, it's amazing to finally have a picture. To know it's real. To know that I haven't eaten something or taken too hot a bath and ruined it all somehow. Husband is now finally letting himself be excited too. We can finally start looking at baby furniture and other cute things - and we finally let the facebook universe know!

For the meantime, I am not anxious right now. Just very, very excited. I'm even starting to feel ok about the prospect of labour, as that means I will finally get to meet the little bean.

Day before The Scan

One day until the big scan.
So many questions and worries running round my head.
Will they say, "There's nothing there, you're imagining it, you're just fat."
Or worse, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your baby is dead."

But it's true that I'm fat, at 12 weeks apparently I already look pregnant.
At least, enough so that students feel ok to ask me outright,
"Miss, are you pregnant?"
And friends are telling me that people are asking them if I am,
because I look like I'm showing.

When that happened before I would cry, be offended.
It doesn't matter that that wasn't what they intended,
at least most of the time.

So, what if I'm told, "It's twins, no wait triplets...."
How could I possibly cope with more than one!

My skin is 14 years old again,
and wouldn't you know it, I can't use pro-active.
Who knew that skin care products could harm your baby.
Just one more list to add to the already massive list of things to avoid.

Soft eggs, raw eggs, soft cheese, processed meats, alcohol, cold chicken, hot baths, saunas, hummus, pate, soft serve ice cream, mayonaise, food from cabinets, reheated foods, buffet foods, unpasturised foods, salads, cold pasta...........!!!

When I add the list of things that now make we want to vomit
(fried foods, stir frys, noodles, whole steaks(cut up ones are fine??)
What, realistically, is left.

I am living in an anxiety ridden bubble.
Floating between excitement for the end product,
and terror of everything that could go wrong,
panic at every new sensation - and there are many,
concern that I've harmed bub already,
worry that I'm going to get inundated with visitors in september
fear that I won't get visited by anyone
anxiety that I will have to fly up with baby to meet the family
stress that I wont be able to do it
worry that I will not be able to stay sane enough to be a good mum.

Lets see what tomorrow's scan will tell us.

To Show, or Not to Show?

One week away from our first proper scan, and people are already asking whether I'm 'keeping a secret from them', giving me eating advice, and suggesting what type of shirts I should wear.

This does not bode well.

To be honest, this has been a terribly kept secret from the start, but is it possible to be showing at just 11 weeks? I googled it, webmd' it, and searched the huggies forums, but no one had an answer.  I don't think I am showing, I'm pretty sure I've just got fat.

To make it worse, I am craving pies....and WINE!! - seriously, how is that fair? Obviously I am not drinking the wine, but the pie craving is slightly overwhelming.  I clearly don't stand a chance of coming out of this pregnancy with any semblance of my former self. But is that the point?

Before I got pregnant, one of my main reasons for not getting pregnant was a paralysing fear of labour.
Now, I'm excited about it because it will mean that this whole pregnancy business is OVER!

Once the scan (fingers crossed) tells me that there is definitely a baby in there, then I will put up some pics for you so you can compare and judge for yourself. Then I just have to tell my boss, and my students, and the facebook universe......oh the many things to think about!