Food, Glorious Food

Cravings are real.

And they SUCK if what you are craving is not within easy 'getting' distance.

So far, I've craved:

Chicken Pie - when my husband told me he was going to make it for tea...I cried. Literally. Then I cried again the next day when he told me we didn't have enough ingredients to make it again.

Burger King Whopper - haven't had one in YEARS, took my husband one hour to get one for me in peak traffic.

Teriyaki Udon Noodles - finally got the ingredients and made this myself after thinking about it for over a week.

Ice Cream with tinned peaches - threw a major hormonal tantrum at poor husband after he got it from the supermarket, then FAILED (FAILED I TELL YOU) to actually put it in a bowl and serve it to me.

sigh. At least I am not craving chalk....

Relapse.

Three weeks ago, I found out that I was pregnant.

Now, this is a great thing, don't get me wrong. 

But that doesn't change the fact, that I am simply terrified!

The day before I found out, I was discharged by my anxiety counsellor as I had reached a good place and had plans in place to manage further anxiety and depression, then WHAMMO! Here is something new and scary for you to deal with. Needless to say, my doctor instantly referred me back to them - "the quickest relapse in history" I joked on the phone to her.

I am dealing with many weird feelings that I can't control. On the one hand, I am extremely excited to be a mum. On the other hand, I am pretty convinced that I am going to be in a state of panic for most of the pregnancy, and won't be able to cope. I am afraid of what my medications will do to the baby, I am afraid that I can't cope with morning sickness, that I will be anxious non stop for nine months, that I wil be the one woman in the history of the planet who cannot physically manage being pregnant, let alone the labour at the end.

In short, I want to be knocked out now, and woken up when it's over.

But what am I even worried about? Pregnancy is a joyous time, with glowing skin and happy anticipation, everyone congratulates you and comments on how happy you must be. I smile and agree, but on the inside I am crumbling in the knowledge that I have lost control of my body for the meantime, that waves of nausea will hit me without notice, that I am sore, and tired and hungry and generally just constantly afraid, but I don't mention this. Because then I sound like a bad mum-to-be.

I was originally blogging about my journey towards producing an album and my experiences with going public about my depression and anxiety. But for now, I think this is bigger. I have searched for blogs or information about being pregnant and having an anxiety disorder and how to cope, they are few and far between. So for the meantime, I will vent on here, and hopefully someone else who understands will comment and make me feel better, or even better - someone else in my situation will gain a little bit of encouragement that they are not alone.