Food, Glorious Food

Cravings are real.

And they SUCK if what you are craving is not within easy 'getting' distance.

So far, I've craved:

Chicken Pie - when my husband told me he was going to make it for tea...I cried. Literally. Then I cried again the next day when he told me we didn't have enough ingredients to make it again.

Burger King Whopper - haven't had one in YEARS, took my husband one hour to get one for me in peak traffic.

Teriyaki Udon Noodles - finally got the ingredients and made this myself after thinking about it for over a week.

Ice Cream with tinned peaches - threw a major hormonal tantrum at poor husband after he got it from the supermarket, then FAILED (FAILED I TELL YOU) to actually put it in a bowl and serve it to me.

sigh. At least I am not craving chalk....

Relapse.

Three weeks ago, I found out that I was pregnant.

Now, this is a great thing, don't get me wrong. 

But that doesn't change the fact, that I am simply terrified!

The day before I found out, I was discharged by my anxiety counsellor as I had reached a good place and had plans in place to manage further anxiety and depression, then WHAMMO! Here is something new and scary for you to deal with. Needless to say, my doctor instantly referred me back to them - "the quickest relapse in history" I joked on the phone to her.

I am dealing with many weird feelings that I can't control. On the one hand, I am extremely excited to be a mum. On the other hand, I am pretty convinced that I am going to be in a state of panic for most of the pregnancy, and won't be able to cope. I am afraid of what my medications will do to the baby, I am afraid that I can't cope with morning sickness, that I will be anxious non stop for nine months, that I wil be the one woman in the history of the planet who cannot physically manage being pregnant, let alone the labour at the end.

In short, I want to be knocked out now, and woken up when it's over.

But what am I even worried about? Pregnancy is a joyous time, with glowing skin and happy anticipation, everyone congratulates you and comments on how happy you must be. I smile and agree, but on the inside I am crumbling in the knowledge that I have lost control of my body for the meantime, that waves of nausea will hit me without notice, that I am sore, and tired and hungry and generally just constantly afraid, but I don't mention this. Because then I sound like a bad mum-to-be.

I was originally blogging about my journey towards producing an album and my experiences with going public about my depression and anxiety. But for now, I think this is bigger. I have searched for blogs or information about being pregnant and having an anxiety disorder and how to cope, they are few and far between. So for the meantime, I will vent on here, and hopefully someone else who understands will comment and make me feel better, or even better - someone else in my situation will gain a little bit of encouragement that they are not alone.

BABYDUST!

Apparently being pregnant now requires you to learn a new language.

I admit, I have become a serial troller of google forums and pregnancy sites in an effort to understand what the hell is happening to me. Is this weird sensation normal? Has anyone else had this too??

But they aren't very helpful, and not just because it seems that the range of sensations is huge and varied, but because I honestly cannot understand what is being said.

For instance - "My DH and I have been TTC for 4 months now. When we TTC my DD and DS I got a BFP at 11 DPO.  I'm 14 DPO and haven't got AF yet but I did a HPT with my FMU, and got a BFN does this mean I'm not PG??"

WHAT THE F*$K DOES THAT MEAN???!

Well, dear reader, apparently it means this. 

Translation

"My dear husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4 months now. When we tried to conceive my darling daughter and darling son, I got a big fat positive at 11 days post ovulation. I'm 14 days post ovulation and haven't got Aunt Flow yet, but I did a home pregnancy test with my first morning urine and got a big fat negative, does this mean i'm not pregnant??"

Dear god!

It's an entire secret language that must be learnt by all who enter this weird and mysterious world of the pregnant. 

I mean, OMG, WTF! This post is so OTT and contains TMI for the DH to handle. TBH since I didn't get AF and got 5 BFP, I'm really looking forward to being a SAHM, and even a WAHM. LOL. Anyway, JTYLTK, BABYDUST!

The bun in the oven

The day I found out I was pregnant, the house caught fire.

I had been toasting some super healthy sugar free muesli in the oven, went and peed on a stick while I waited, counted to 120 and then saw the second line.

Next thing I know, the fire alarm is beeping and my husband is yelling 'you've caught the oven on fire'.
I walked into a cloud of smoke beneath the incessant beeping from the alarm, and said dazedly 'I'm pregnant', to which he replied 'that's great but the house is on fire!'

I saw flames leaping out of the oven, and thrusting the stick of terror into my husbands hand, I grabbed the fire extinguisher and proceeded to douse my muesli, and the oven in one go.

Flames out. Crisis averted.

But I am still pregnant.

My husband didn't know what two lines meant. I explained that that meant I was pregnant, and I'd never had two lines show up before. He immediately insisted I take another test to make sure.
That one also showed up positive.
So did the next two.

All up, I took a total of 4 tests that night, each one positive. Weirdly enough, the number of positives wasn't helping me accept the fact any more.
We had been trying. We wanted a kid. We were totally ready - but I wasn't feeling the anticipated excitement. I was simply feeling downright terrified.

"I can't do it!" I declared later that evening. "There's simply no way I'm going to cope!"
Thoughts of vomit, and pain and public humiliation crowded my head. Ongoing discomfort and horrendous labour where all I could think about.
"You'll be fine, remember we wanted a baby" counselled my husband.
"I want the baby." I clarified, "But can we get someone else to do the pregnant bit?"

to be continued....