Day before The Scan

One day until the big scan.
So many questions and worries running round my head.
Will they say, "There's nothing there, you're imagining it, you're just fat."
Or worse, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your baby is dead."

But it's true that I'm fat, at 12 weeks apparently I already look pregnant.
At least, enough so that students feel ok to ask me outright,
"Miss, are you pregnant?"
And friends are telling me that people are asking them if I am,
because I look like I'm showing.

When that happened before I would cry, be offended.
It doesn't matter that that wasn't what they intended,
at least most of the time.

So, what if I'm told, "It's twins, no wait triplets...."
How could I possibly cope with more than one!

My skin is 14 years old again,
and wouldn't you know it, I can't use pro-active.
Who knew that skin care products could harm your baby.
Just one more list to add to the already massive list of things to avoid.

Soft eggs, raw eggs, soft cheese, processed meats, alcohol, cold chicken, hot baths, saunas, hummus, pate, soft serve ice cream, mayonaise, food from cabinets, reheated foods, buffet foods, unpasturised foods, salads, cold pasta...........!!!

When I add the list of things that now make we want to vomit
(fried foods, stir frys, noodles, whole steaks(cut up ones are fine??)
What, realistically, is left.

I am living in an anxiety ridden bubble.
Floating between excitement for the end product,
and terror of everything that could go wrong,
panic at every new sensation - and there are many,
concern that I've harmed bub already,
worry that I'm going to get inundated with visitors in september
fear that I won't get visited by anyone
anxiety that I will have to fly up with baby to meet the family
stress that I wont be able to do it
worry that I will not be able to stay sane enough to be a good mum.

Lets see what tomorrow's scan will tell us.