Angry At The System

I'll admit it.
I'm angry.

I'm angry at what has happened to me. I'm angry at how it was handled. I'm angry at my diagnoses - or lack thereof. I'm angry at the constant appointments, medications, changes in therapist, lengthy waitlists, and being constantly transferred between units because you no longer fall under 'their criteria'. I'm angry that all of this is considered 'normal' and that my situation was not an exception, but rather, the rule.

I'm angry that I had my first panic attack over 14 years ago and I'm still dealing with them today. I'm angry that the words "bipolar disorder" were first mentioned 12 years ago, are still being mentioned today and have yet to be either set in stone or thrown aside. I'm angry that I have seen so many different people meant to help that I can't even remember most of their names let alone tell you how many there have been. I'm angry that I was put in an inpatient unit for nearly three weeks, and didn't see a psychologist or a psychiatrist even once in that whole time.

And that's just the tip of the ice-berg.

I have lost my faith in the system. I have lost my trust in my psychologist. I no longer believe they have my best interests at heart. I feel like I'm just part of one big clinical drug and therapy trial.

source:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog

Here, try this pill. Not feeling any different?

Ok, let's increase it.

Too many side effects? Let's change it. 

Still not working? What about this drug? 

Your feet feel weird? That's normal, nothing to worry about. 

Feeling nauseas? Wait it out. 

Dizzy? How dizzy? That's a safe level of dizziness.

Continue with what we prescribed.

What about therapy?

Sigmund Freud

 Cognitive behavioural therapy

metacognitive therapy

                             group therapy

                            individual therapy 

compassion based therapy

 mindfulness

               talking therapy

                                psychotherapy

 Trust me, I've had it all 'tried' on me.

I discovered all this anger at my most recent therapeutic session, and the feelings have yet to abate.

I am angry that my discharge papers list my diagnosis as 'Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety', yet seem to have neglected mentioning any kind of mood disorder. While some people would be thrilled that they don't have 'anything else', I am just frustrated by its admission. Because as far as I'm concerned, I clearly don't just have depression. Plus, I feel like I've actually overcome a lot of my anxiety issues (and worked really hard to do so). So to see this written down makes me feel like I'm wasting my time in the mental health system. Like they are not seeing the bigger picture.

I am tired of trusting in a system which constantly fails those it's supposed to help. I'm tired of trying so hard and falling so far. I know there are plenty of individuals who work tirelessly within this system, with the best of intentions and the belief that they can help. Unfortunately the system is so broken, there is little they can really do. There isn't enough funding to support their endeavours. The waiting lists are too long to help those who need it when they actually need it. It is too easy to prescribe a pill and send us on our way. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are too expensive for the average person to visit. There are too many people needing too much help, from a system straining at the edges and unable to do anything about it. Pills are only part of the solution, but the other part is not easily accessible, nor easy to give.

I'm sure somewhere someone must have, at some point, been helped properly, been cured even. But I don't know that person.

The mental health system is an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff for most of its patients. And believe me, that is a very big cliff.