10 things to never, ever say to a pregnant woman

There are many things that change when you are pregnant. Not just your body, your mindset, and your clothes. But also, apparently, the guidelines by which others are allowed to speak to you.

Below is a list of the ten weirdest, creepiest, and more than a little offensive and upsetting things that people feel OK saying to me since I got pregnant.

#10 Should you be eating that?

Now, this is offensive in two ways. Firstly, are you saying I'm fatter than I should be? Who gave you the right to judge anyway? And secondly, do you think I'm so heartless, that I don't think about what I'm eating almost constantly. Have you seen the list of foods to avoid when pregnant? Do you have any idea of the guilt trip placed upon pregnant women over eating almost everything from chicken, to subways to salad that hasn't been washed?! Back off.

#9 Hi Chubby

This was said in jest. He thought he was hilarious. I very nearly slapped him, but instead pointed out that I was unlikely to ever catch up to his stomach.

#8 How's the body holding up?

Said by another well-meaning man. But it's weird, and creepy. You don't, just don't ask a pregnant lady how the 'body' is holding up. What kind of answer are you after? A truthful one with all the gory details, "Not great actually, my back hurts, my boobs hurt, I pee when I cough, when I sneeze and when I laugh, I am waking up with leg cramps, and everything is aching 100% of the time. Oh, did you want to know about the constipation and haemorrhoids too?" I didn't think so. So just don't ask. 

#7 God, you're looking really pregnant today.

Thanks. I hadn't noticed. I certainly don't feel it. 

#6 But since you're pregnant, you're obviously NOT on antidepressants

I was so mad at this shop assistant that I fumed about this statement for the next two days. I wish that I'd said right there and then, "well actually, I am". The judgement in that one statement was astonishing. I'm sorry, I am taking medications for my sanity while pregnant. Yet, here I am in your health store clearly taking an interest in keeping myself and baby healthy. What do you make of that? Am I evil in your eyes now? Do you think me some kind of callous mother who only thinks of herself? Do you think I didn't spend months weighing up the pros and cons and researching EVERYTHING that could be found about taking this medication while pregnant???

Well fuck you too, lady.

#5 You're allowed to look bigger, you're pregnant.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but really, you're not. Now I just feel fat for a reason.

#4 The more you gain now, the harder it is to lose later!

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to remember that when I've been thinking of nothing but cheeseburgers for 36 hours straight. Or when I'm so ravenously hungry I literally can't think straight. It's all about getting back in shape afterall. Thanks for reminding me.

#3 No, you definitely CANNOT drink

This debate has happened in front of me a number of times now. Mostly it happens when I mention how much I'd like a drink. I certainly never actually asked for one. I am in the 'don't risk it' camp at the moment, but I think that, like most things, the alcohol consumption in pregnancy thing is a personal choice. Forcing your opinion on me, particularly when you have a glass of merlot in your hand, have never been pregnant, or (god forbid) are a GUY, is tantamount to saying "no, you cannot have an abortion, it's bad, you are a bad person if you do that", and then turning back to your child free life and ignoring the fact that you have kids you simply never see.

#2 You should be excited

I am excited. Are you kidding? I'm also in constant discomfort, have become some sort of magnet for people to stare at, am not sleeping and feel ugly and disgusting. Sorry that my excitement isn't showing through for you at every possible moment.

#1 Surely you can't have THAT long to go, you're HUGE!

Just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean telling me I'm huge is a compliment. Would you say that to someone who wasn't pregnant? Why do you think saying it to a pregnant woman is going to have any less of a negative effect? I go home each day feeling more and more self conscious about how I am looking, precisely because of comments like this. Mostly they come from men. Bastards.