I have bipolar II disorder.
Looking back, I am surprised it wasn't made official sooner. It's been bandied about by almost every single professional I've sought help with for the last 14 years. Plus, there is this gem I wrote way back in February.
"It's been a week now since I had to accept yet again, that MG was back with a vengeance. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there. I went through a crazy super productive couple of weeks, decided to put on another show, started a new book, updated a website, started a new website, relaunched my business, spent a lot of money, got a lot of refunds equally as fast, told mothers and babies that I wanted to be discharged, that I was fine and coping great, was so amped up that I stopped sleeping and then BAM, MG hit me with a sledge hammer and said 'hell no! This stops here, EVERYTHING stops here."
I have to admit, it makes everything about me finally make sense. All my amazing projects which keep me up for nights on end, unable to sleep for thinking and doing, and then just as rapidly, throw them aside. The great ideas I get which send excitement pulsing through my veins, which make me rush to get other people involved, which steal all of my attention for days at a time, and frequently empty my bank account in the process. The periods of extreme irritation which feel like ants crawling over my skin and often come from nowhere, only to destroy whoever is closest at the time. The rage attacks which bring a curtain of red across my eyes and make my body feel like it's about to explode (some of them documented for all to see in this blog). The rapid mood cycles and the intense up and downs. The so called recurrent depression. The labels that are so often applied to me such as 'moody', 'impulsive', 'grumpy', 'over achiever', 'weird'. Sure, I am definitely all of those things, and I definitely do all of those things, but now I know, that it's not just because I am a horrible person.
I have spent the last week trying to get my head around it, writing secret blog posts that I was too scared to share because the stigma associated with a label like bipolar is so much greater than the stigma's associated with depression and anxiety. Every other person has those. They have public awareness campaigns about them on TV. There are posters all around our earthquake broken city asking 'Are You Alright?'
Depression. Yes. Anxiety Disorder. OK. But Bipolar Disorder?
I am relieved because for the first time I feel there may actually be a light at the end of this very long tunnel. I am relived because for the first time since I first entered the mental health service at the age of 15, I actually believe this may be the final diagnosis. I am relieved because with a label, comes knowledge. With a label, isolation disappears. With a label, I can finally be treated properly.
But at the same time I am scared. Will this label make people look at me differently? Will this label mean other parents be afraid to have their children come and play with my children? Will my children be affected by this label too? What happens if I get too sick to look after my children? What if I do something terrible and someone takes them away from me? What if....
 |
| http://www.fibrohaven.com/wp-content/uploads/Seasons_Change.jpg |
No comments:
Post a Comment